Really Talk About Sex
When I decided to launch Locker Room Talk, I knew shit would eventually get real. I believe in my heart of hearts that women want a way to let the world know what they’re really thinking (and saying to each other in private) about the periods of time leading up to, during, and after sex. I just didn’t know things would get so real, so fast.
Look, I’ve been blessed to be part of several large tribes of outspoken women throughout my life. As bold females, I and the women I run with, rarely hold back with one another when talking about sex in all of its various forms and experiences. And boy have I been blown away — and well educated — by what I’ve heard during our conversations.
Hollywood Still Doesn’t Get Us
Knowing all that I know about how women feel about and want to experience sex, what continues to stump me is the way women and sex are generally portrayed by Hollywood and the media. We are either damsels in distress that want saving with wholesome, romantic sex; or sluts leading dark and sordid lives; or cold, feminist bitches that get through sex with a man by blindly staring at a wall while taking it missionary style.
What is clear to me is that our society still doesn’t understand women’s sexuality. So, I thought, what better way to help educate each other than by moving our special flavor of locker room
And, what better to launch this column with, than…
21 Things Women Wish Men Would Stop Doing During Sex.
I have to admit, when I posed this question to the various communities of women that I am part of, I expected mostly average answers, like:
“Please stop asking us if we came immediately after sex. Seriously, if you can’t tell, we likely didn’t or it was a “meh” orgasm and you need to work a little harder next time. Or, if we did and you didn’t notice, you are sincerely not paying close enough attention. The question is annoying. It either stresses us out or ruins the moment so stop asking.”
But, while I did get the above answer, there seemed to be a concerning theme among a large number of the responses. I’ll let you see what I mean for yourself.
Additionally, because I myself identify as queer (bisexual to be specific), I decided to ask my queer lady friends how this question pertains to them specifically. In other words: What are X Things Bi/Queer Women Wish Men Would Stop Doing During Sex. You will find answers from both below.
Read on for some real talk.
Dear Men, Please Stop Doing These 21 Things During Sex
- Slapping tits. I don’t like it being done to me by men before, during, or after sex 😆. I think it’s a porn thing that doesn’t translate well in practice with a small-breasted woman. -Nikki
- Re Slapping Tits: this is annoying to women with big tits too. These are sensitive parts, especially when they aren’t bundled up in a bra. -Anonymous
- Asking about dick size. Please stop asking about your dick size. It immediately makes whatever size dick you have incredibly undesirable. -Anonymous
- Spanking without consent. I used to really dislike it. It made me feel like I was a piece of meat. Now I like it, but only if it’s with someone I know respects me. -Anonymous
- Everyone is different. But stop cumming first. Let the lady cum first. I’m tired of men who just think they can stick it in and cum right away and be done and then I have to masturbate. I would rather stay at home and masturbate than have sex if that’s going to happen. I can’t let loose if I know they won’t wait for me. -Anonymous
- Stop slapping me. Seriously. I hate having my face hit. Quit pinching my nipples without consent and warm up. I think spitting is gross. Instant turn off. Lube is better anyway. Ask me if I want anal…don’t assume I want you in my ass. If I want to do D/S play, we can talk about it beforehand. Just because I have experience/history, doesn’t mean I want to engage with “you”. BDSM takes a specific head and emotional space. Yes, I’m a big woman. That doesn’t mean I’m not sexual or sensual. I am NOT your fetish. – Mokie
- No spitting. Just no. And without asking first? Are you kidding? It’s disgusting and makes me gag. The minute a guy decides to spit instead of use lube…game over. -Anonymous
- Choking without extensive prior discussion. Breath play is super risky, and for some people (read: me) being choked is literally triggering. – Anonymous
- A cliché I still find at 35: going straight for genital touch. No foreplay. IDK if it’s because some men assume they should be natural “experts” at sex or because of all those shitty myths about men and sex, but in general, I don’t have a lot [of men] ask me what kinds of touch, pressure, etc., I prefer. The femmes I’m sexual with pretty much always do. -Meg
- Another thing, which happened with one of my last cis male partners: having or initiating the same type of sex almost every single time. I’m into BDSM, but no, no I don’t only like to be sub or have you be rough every time. -Meg
- The assumption that on your profile, because you list as bi, that you are ready to have sex. I had a guy that was not that attractive ask me for sex within 3 sentences. I’m like, does this work for you? I’m sure it doesn’t, he just assumed because I’m so open in my profile that I was ready to have sex with him. Wrong. -Andrea
- [When] they assume, being bi women, we’re fine with them trotting out whatever kink they’re into. Because bi is the same thing as super kinky and up for anything. Obvi. -Anonymous
- I think dirty talk about who of my girlfriends we should invite for a threesome. It’s ok now, when Hubbs and I talk about it because we’ve addressed it outside of the bedroom too. But some previous boyfriends would ignore that I’m bi during regular conversations, then bring up my attractive friends during sex. It made it seem like being bi was a turn on that allowed them to share their fantasy of which of my friends they also wanted to have sex with, without ever validating my sexuality in the daylight. -Anonymous
- I have totally had people make assumptions that because I’m bisexual, that I’m down to fuck any woman, and that I will find a woman for them to fuck. And, if I don’t want to for any reason at all, that invalidates my sexuality in my personhood. -Mokie
- Fishing is an absolute turn off. I dated a guy once that wanted me to find him a girl for a threesome. It was repulsive to me, not because I wouldn’t have a threesome, but because he wanted me to do all the work. It made me feel like not only wasn’t I good enough but that I somehow owed him in order to earn his respect. Creep. Yeah, that ended, and no I never brought him anything, except permanent silence. -Anonymous
- Listen to what I’m saying!!! If I say “yes, right there!” don’t do something different. If I say “go slow” that doesn’t secretly mean to pound the shit out of me. But then again, they don’t listen outside of the bedroom either lol. -Anonymous
- I wish men would stop pulling hair during sex without asking first. It can really hurt and take me out of the moment when someone is yanking my hair, knuckles to my scalp without warning or asking about it first! – Elizabeth
- Moving to PIV (Penis in vagina), when the vagina is not even warmed up or ready for sex. – Lollie
- I wish dudes wouldn’t squeeze breasts without asking. It does absolutely nothing for me and isn’t comfortable. Basically, just stop looking to media and porn for sex tips and ask your partner what they like! -Rachel
- Stop doing things “viciously” below the belt. Don’t VIGOROUSLY rub my clit. Don’t slap my clit. Don’t jackhammer my vagina when you’re fingering me. The clit can get very sensitive; it needs TLC. -Lindsey
- Also, if you finish, don’t assume she did. She most likely didn’t. (I say if I don’t announce it, it didn’t happen. I’ve had men ask me if I came 4 or 5 times when I wasn’t even close to 1 time). Just because you finished, doesn’t mean sex is over. You can ALWAYS eat her out. -Lindsey
Can You Say CONSENT
Are you getting the theme? I have to admit, it was hard not to get a bit angry while compiling this list.
Consent isn’t just about asking if someone wants to have sex with you. It’s about asking what’s ok and what’s not ok during sex. And, I know, people try to make consent discussions sound like a mood-killer, but ask any woman: Nothing is quite as exciting as talking about all the sexy things you want (or don’t want) to do to each other.
So there it is, guys: 21 things women really, really, really wish you’d stop doing during sex. So, go get that bottle of lube and get ready for some serious dirty talk. You might even find that our way is the better way!
Til next time.