HomeDatingLocker Room Talk: Sex On The First Date?

Locker Room Talk: Sex On The First Date?

Women’s Sexuality: Should Women Have Sex on the First Date?

This week our topic of discussion is: to bone or not to bone and when?! We are once again, exploring women’s sexuality and want to find out what our fellow sexually liberated women’s official stance on having sex on a first date is.

Navigating dating as an independent woman is complicated enough, especially as we traverse the growing trend of online dating. There are so many things to think about, and so many unspoken rules of engagement, that honestly it can be overwhelming. One of the ways that I’m able to navigate dating a little bit easier, is by being intentional. I feel most empowered as a woman with a plan. I don’t always stick to my plans—and that’s ok—but going into it with an idea of what I do and don’t want, has made my dating life a little easier.

One of the things that I decided to make a plan for, is whether or not I want to put out after a first date or not. I found it fascinating how many beliefs I had surrounding the topic. Insecurities popped up for me. I didn’t want to have sex and then have that held against me; I mean god forbid should someone consider me easy. I also didn’t want to deny myself the opportunity to explore a connection that I was feeling, just to avoid someone else’s judgment. I ended up deciding to give myself permission to do whatever I wanted, with whomever I wanted, and whenever it felt right for me.

While women’s sexuality is often judged through a lens of unrealistic expectations. I was able to let go of my need to portray any certain image and instead focus on being authentic. I learned that the worst thing that could happen, was also the best thing that could happen! If someone judged me, or decided I wasn’t relationship material based on the fact that I had sex after a first date, it was actually great news, as it told me very valuable information. Someone who judges a woman (a woman that they are happy to sleep with!) for having sex after a first date, is not someone I’m going to be compatible with anyway. So, see ya later judgy-jerk face!

Letting go of a need to portray any specific image surrounding my sexuality was one of the first steps toward becoming sexually liberated.

women's sexuality, dating, sex

Sex on the first date: Yea or Nay?

Whether you are pro or anti giving it up on a first date, we are sure that you’ll find it interesting to hear what other women have to say on the matter. So, here is what our fellow bad-ass, sexually liberated gal pals had to say when asked to weigh in on the topic!

  1. If the chemistry is there and you’ve talked the good STI talk, sure. -Annabelle
  2. I would say personally no. We both need to get checked for STD before anything like this ever happens. As a surrogate, I have too much at stake. -Belinda
  3. If we are both feeling it and we’re able to share testing results I’m all for it. -Tamara
  4. Yes, if there is enthusiastic consent on both sides and clear agreements about safer sex practices. My response above is the ONLY opinion I would put forth about how other people make decisions for their own bodies: consent and safety are mandatory; the rest is none of my business. There is a lot more nuance to how I would make that decision for myself, but I’m not going to unpack that here. -Melissa
  5. That depends on how long you’ve been talking before the first date. If you were friends for over a year and just decided to start dating, I would say yes. If you just matched with someone on a dating site, I’d say no. And of course, you’d have to know of any STDs/STIs. – Juliee
  6. Everything always depends. If people want to do it and everyone involved consents are my major criteria. Consent extends to possible other sexual and emotional partners who may or may not be present and or making an informed decision to do it with or without protection and with or without test result sharing. -Andrea
  7. This is a hard one to answer as there are many factors that come into play. Where am I at in my mindset? What am I needing emotionally vs physically at the time? What kind of chemistry is there? Am I on my period? And if so, is it a heavy crappy want to die or a light spotty day?
    So to answer your question, yes and no. There are moments when it would be a “hell yeah let’s get down and dirty” as well as situations where it would be “oh I’m saving myself.” -Deanna
  8. I have before and I’d honestly rather wait. What I want is a deep connection that takes time. -Anon
  9. I say chemistry is everything especially when meeting the right person, but hell, I have no idea what I would do in the heat of the moment??? -Krissy
  10. I would have to say no because that’s a personal relationship act that is meant for being in love with someone and a real connection -Erika
  11. Personally, no. It takes me a while to feel comfortable around new people, or in new relationships with people, and I definitely need to be comfortable in an intimate situation. Plus getting to know a person in non-sexual ways is a bigger priority for me early on in romantic relationships. -Anon
  12. I would say it depends on how I’m feeling in that moment and what I’m expecting from the relationship and if I think sleeping together on the first date would ruin any deeper relationship building. -Elizabeth
  13. It really depends, case by case basis. I do believe it’s possible to have an instant connection with the right person (because for me I need that ‘connect’ to be able to get down and dirty) but like Elizabeth mentioned^^ I’d need to have a sense of whether doing so might harm the building of a better foundation. I’m not a one-night stand, type of girl. -Jennifer
  14. I have and will again if it feels right, safe, etc. That said, I have moved into a space where I am less likely to want to, just because the drive is lower now. -Stephanie
  15. Why not? Life is too short to not enjoy…as long as safety and consent are maintained, if it feels right, do it. -Mami
  16. Yes…why not? But it depends on how it all goes. I don’t get too much in my head about it. -Moxie
  17. Yes. -Tiffany
  18. Yes sometimes. There has to be definitely chemistry and Lust lol! -Audrey
  19. No way do I ever sleep with someone after a first date. Intimacy is a big step for me, and it requires multiple interactions before I feel comfortable sharing my body with another. – Katy
  20. If there is chemistry, I’m going for it! I think you can learn so much about a person by sleeping with them. Like, does this guy have weird habits and demand his partner shower immediately after sex? Is he a nasty talker? How long does he last? Etc., etc. I’d rather find out sooner than later if we are sexually compatible, otherwise, I’m wasting my time. -CD
  21. Being bisexual I find that I have different rules for different genders. I feel safer being intimate with a woman quicker than I do a man most of the time. -Tabby
  22. I don’t have a fast and hard rule with this one. It really depends on so many factors: my mood, when the last time I got laid is, how attracted I am to the other person, if I’ve shaved my legs recently or not, if Mercury is in retrograde. So basically, it totally depends on how the first date goes, and my level of interest. I can go either way. -Jaime
women's sexuality, sex dating

In conclusion…

When it comes to sex and women’s sexuality, women have been unfairly held to different standards than men for far too long. Men who ran around banging any woman they could as soon as they could were “just sowing their wild oats”. While women were expected to preserve their virginity until marriage if they didn’t want to be considered whores.

This archaic way of thinking about women’s sexuality is worn out and needs to be thrown out. Look, sexuality and sex is unique to each individual. Some women feel the act of sex is something that can only be enjoyable when shared with someone whom they have a deep connection. Other enjoy passionate, orgasmic encounters that don’t require soul-moving intimacy. All of these women are allowed to want and experience the type of sex they prefer and should be able to do so without labeling or judgment.

The most important thing, as always, in my opinion, is that there is consent, safety, and that women realize that choosing to have sex on the first date is, in fact, a choice. You should never do it because you feel pressured to. And, you should never choose not to do it because you are afraid of what other people may think of you. Like Kelli said above, judgy jerks can fuck right off.

It’s 2019 ladies. The way society is looking at women’s sexuality is changing. You are sexually liberated beings who have the right to embrace, enjoy, and have sex wherever, however, and whenever you want (within reason don’t make me list caveats). And in this new age, where women are choosing to support and lift each other up, I encourage each and every one of you to check yourself when you find yourself judging another woman for her sexual choices. Let’s all be bigger and better than that. After all that’s what Locker Room Talk and SEL is all about.


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Annette Benedetti
Annette Benedetti
Annette is a writer, editor and photographer from Portland, OR. Her work appears in a variety of publications including Bust, Red Tricycle, Motherly and Domino. When she’s away from her desk she can be found teaching women yoga at wilderness retreats, exploring new cities across the states and hiking the trails at Mt. Rainier—one of her favorite places on earth.