A Guide to Good Sex with Transgender & Non-Binary Partners
Sex is something that has always been a Rubik’s Cube to most people. However, when you throw in the fact that your partner has a transgender/non-binary body, it quickly becomes a 12-sided Rubik’s Cube. It really doesn’t need to be that complicated. Once you get a few fundamentals down, figuring out how to pleasure another person becomes second nature and an inevitable part of your sexual journal.
1. Ask the Right Question
The first rule of thumb to remember when wanting to have eye-rolling orgasms with your transgender or non-binary partner is to simply ask “What can I do to pleasure you?” This starts everyone off on the right foot and establishes that bringing pleasure and accommodating each other is something that you not only value, but something that you are willing to put effort into. This becomes a jumping-off point where you can have an open dialogue of what each of you really wants to be done and wants to be doing.
The initial thought of “I’m going to explain to you what things I want you to do to my body” definitely doesn’t scream sexy, but it should. Make it sexy. You can easily turn a conversation about what works best for each other’s bodies into dirty talk that (conveniently) gives you a roadmap.
2. Transgender Bodies are All Unique!
Trans bodies are all different and unique, just like cis bodies. The way they’re unique can sometimes be different though, so it’s important to keep that in mind. People who are on estrogen may not have a penis that functions to the same degree as someone with a fully functioning penis and isn’t on hormones. People who are on testosterone may have a significantly (or even not-so-significantly) enlarged clitoris, which you could even start to treat like a dick that you’d suck on or stroke.
The thing is that you have to ask. Even if there are two transgender or non-binary people who look identical and are on the same hormones, each one’s body could be different. It takes a lot to overstimulate my penis, and I’m currently microdosing estrogen (one month and counting). I love teasing and intentional overstimulating before actual overload. My partner couldn’t be more different. He’s super sensitive, so I have to take a little extra care. What feels good to someone else may not feel good to that particular person. Talk, and I promise it’ll be hot. How could you not get turned on by your partner telling you, in detail, what they want you to do to them because you turn them on so much?
3. Being Open to Sexual Positions Important
The next general rule to keep in mind is that there are no magic sexual positions that everyone will enjoy all the time. Your “favorite position” may not be your favorite position to use with this particular partner. Everyone’s bodies are different, which also means that everyone’s bodies operate differently together.
I’ve always thought that doggie style was such a hot position. However, my partner and I have found out that neither one of us are that into it when we try it out—too much pressure for me, too disconnected for him. We learned our new favorites together and what works best for us. Our tried and true is starting out with me riding him, which also frequently turns into missionary. We know that those two positions lead to eye-rolling, full body-twitching orgasms. It’s hot, but we had to figure out that’s what worked first.
4. Be With The Right Person
Don’t be afraid to look silly. If you don’t feel like you can be vulnerable enough to laugh off a potentially embarrassing moment with that person, you shouldn’t be having that sex—it’s not with the right person, or you’re not at a moment in your life where you can handle the vulnerability it may take. Being able to share sex with someone is amazing for so many reasons, not just because sex is hot. You have an opportunity to physically connect with someone and create beautiful moments where you can both laugh and cry together—just about sharing the widest experience you can share with someone(s). It doesn’t always have to be intimate, but the goal is for it to always lead to good memories.
5. Tools Not Toys!
Finally, it can help to think “tools” not “toys” at times. Someone may be a top (i.e. someone who penetrates during sex and “does the fucking”) and not be able to get hard enough or stay hard long enough to have sex, but a cock ring can help make up for that. Then, that gives you the opportunity to introduce a fun vibrating piece where it adds a layer as well. On the flip-side, maybe your partner is a top, and you’re verse (enjoy both penetrating and being penetrated). Hold a Fleshlight, Fleshjack, or cock sleeve between your legs. Sex toys can create really simple and really hot workarounds where everyone can get what they want and have orgasms so good that your skin pulls two inches off your face when you cum.
Sex with non-binary and/or trans people is only as complicated as you make it out to be. A lot of this concern for embarrassment can be completely avoided when there’s just a clear and simple avenue of conversation. “I’m freaking out. I’ve never messed around with an *insert genital description here! I don’t want to embarrass myself or make them feel bad.”
Okay, then don’t. Just ask.
You take the guesswork out when you talk about what sex looks like with your body. Be open and ready to have the full experience. Go into it knowing that both of you are going to be vulnerable and get okay with being vulnerable. Sit in that discomfort knowing that it quite frequently can turn into a beautiful yet sexy memory to deposit into the spank bank for later. Conversation isn’t your only tool either. Toys can be tools, so stop being so scared of them.
So grab your magic wand and go make a trans person cum.
We deserve it.