By Paulette Stout
More Waves Please
As women, we are demanding to be seen, heard, and recognized across our society. Stepping forward, we’re rightfully achieving great things from the boardroom to the public square to the White House. So why does that empowering energy fall flat in the bedroom?
We have needs. Big, juicy sexual needs that need attending to. But far too often, instead of crashing waves, we get crickets. We lay in bed blinking at the ceiling wondering what happened. Or more rightly—what didn’t. And sadly, this is way more common than we want to admit.
The Orgasm Divide
Research in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that while 75% of heterosexual men always orgasm during sex, only 33% of heterosexual women do. Let that sink in. Thirty-three percent. That’s staggering—but so too is the 42% divide between men and women. And before you protest that it must be a small sample size, they studied 52,000 U.S. adults. That’s 26,000 ladies who left bed with a goose egg.
The question is why?
Let’s keep looking at the data. Researchers also found bisexual women climaxed 36% of the time and bisexual men at 66%. Hmmm. Let’s keep going: 59% of lesbian women always experience orgasms, as do 65% of gay men. Do we see a pattern developing?
We’re Having Sex Wrong
For too many heterosexual couples, sex equals “missionary position with vaginal penetration.” And that’s a problem. Women and men don’t orgasm the same way. Ladies need direct stimulation. Our clitoris is the engine that makes everything run, and for most women, she’s left out in the cold during vaginal sex. She just is. Men leave satisfied, women don’t. No wonder many women don’t enjoy having sex. In truth, they’ve never fully experienced it.
Back to our study friends, whose data puts muscle behind something women need to hear:
“Orgasm frequencies for heterosexual women only approached those for men when other behaviors were added to sexual intercourse—e.g., oral sex, manual stimulation.”
Hear that? Our lady parts need more love. Doctor’s orders.
Changing Bedroom Dynamics
To have satisfying experiences in bed, we need to ask for more. We must help our partners understand the differences between our sexual physiology, without blame or shame. But, nevertheless, with the firm understanding that the rent is past due and it’s time to pay up.
With that understanding established, you can together explore experiences crafted for the needs of you both. Depending on your bedroom dynamics, this could be a comfortable conversation, or a difficult one. But it must be had.
Women are givers by nature, but this is one time where we should sit back and take. Relax and enjoy. Change your bedroom routine to integrate lengthier—and the right—foreplay. Vary your positions, use toys, oils, and employ fantasy to heighten arousal. The more you can build a safe space for each of you to ask for what you want, the more satisfying sex will be for both of you. And when you start having great sex every time, you’ll wonder why it took you so long to prioritize yourself.
Going It Solo
The good news for women is that research shows ladies are more consistently successful climaxing when we go it alone. I read one expert who said women can climax in 2-3 minutes using direct stimulation with a vibrator. That may not be everyone’s experience, of course. But the point is that, far from being framed as frigid beings, women have great capacity for experiencing sexual pleasure. That is, when pleasured properly. Masturbating is a healthy way to feel good, relieve stress, and curl toes with, and especially without, a partner.
So, the next time you head to bed for some loving, own it. Say, “Ladies first.” Have your partner attend to your needs before you attend to theirs. That way, when it comes time to roll over and blissfully fall asleep, you’ll already be there.
Paulette Stout is a content creator and the fearless author of Love, Only Better, a women’s fiction/contemporary romance and bedroom rallying cry for women everywhere.
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