No Rear Entry
I’m dating a new guy and, yet again, I have to explain to him why I’m not interested in anal sex. Why are guys so consumed by the butt? I get that some people like it, but it’s almost insane how many men want anal sex! I really just don’t understand the fascination. Is there any way that I can avoid having this conversation in the future?
Exit Only in Cali
Dear Exit Only,
Anal play is certainly a matter of preference. It elicits many different feelings: excitement, danger, disgust, fear, pain, pleasure, and even safety. Some people are very attracted to one or more of those feelings. Let me put it into a different context. The most exciting roller coasters make you feel like you’re going to die, and viscerally remind you how alive you are at the same time! Anal sex can have the same appeal. It’s raw, animalistic; and, for many people, it feels really, really good.
For some men, it’s the litmus test on how adventurous a woman will be in bed. Some men believe that, if a woman will let him do anal sex on her, then there’s not much else (if anything) that’s off the table. Obviously, we are more complex beings than that, but it is
That sense of forbidden pleasure is one of the reasons that pornography can be so exciting. It’s the extreme. It’s the odd. It’s the outside-of-the-missionary-box style of sex that we envision our parents having. (And wanting to do anything BUT what our parents do!)
You don’t have to be into anal sex to be a good lover. You can maneuver around all of the psychology and excitement that anal play can offer by showing adventurousness and deep connection in other ways. Good sex can be great sex when both people are fully engaged, having a good time, and getting their needs met. “Wow! That was the most phenomenal orgasm I’ve ever had! I just sure wish it was in your butt instead of your vagina,” said no straight man ever.
I encourage you, as always, to listen to your heart and honor what you feel is best for you. Don’t ever let anyone pressure you into doing something that you aren’t comfortable with. And…I also encourage you to stretch your imagination. Consider stepping outside your comfort zone to dive into pleasures of the flesh that you may not have experienced yet. You might find yourself enjoying some new tricks! If you do decide to give it a try, there are a lot of sites online that can help instruct you in the process. It is imperative that you do it safely by using a condom. It’s an incredibly sensitive area and STDs can easily spread in that environment.
As for the second part of your question, how to avoid having this conversation with a new partner, I could tell you that there is a simple answer. But, I would be lying. Human interactions are never simple! Sexuality is complex. Desire is personal.
My personal go-to line for years with men who would inquire about anal sex was this: “Sure! But I get to take you with a strap-on first!” That would usually shut the conversation down, because many straight men don’t want anything going up their butt (or so they claim). One time, I got a “Yes! Sounds fun!” response that completely threw me and we both ended up having a great chuckle! Turns out he loved having his prostate stimulated and was absolutely thrilled that I suggested it.
I don’t think there’s an easy way to avoid the conversation unless it’s just not ever brought up. (Cough cough…yeah, right!) So, in order to effectively shut down the booty convo, you’re going to have to be straight with them. Just be up front and announce that butt sex is off the table. Own your desires and own your preferences. And, let them own theirs.