Anal sex, it’s still taboo in 2023, but it shouldn’t be. Anal play and Anal sex offer people with penises and vaginas equal opportunity for pleasure and orgasm. I personally love anal play and anal sex, but it took a whole lot of stripping away the shame and taking time to learn the “ins and outs” of sexual butt stuff to get to a place where I could truly enjoy integrating it into my sex life on a regular basis.
Common questions people have about anal sex include:
- How to prepare for anal sex?
- Is anal sex safe?
- Does anal sex feel good?
- Do women like anal sex?
- What toys are best for anal sex?
- Which lubes are best for anal sex?
Lucky you, I’ve got the answers for you.
I interviewed somatic embodiment coach and erotic liberation coach, Avery Dean Swift on the latest episode of Locker Room Talk & Shots Podcast and she breaks down Anal sex and anal play into a step-by-step process. By the end of the episode listeners have a comprehensive guide to how to have anal sex and engage in anal play in a safe and satisfying way.
You can listen to the podcast below:
You can watch the full episode on YouTube below:
or read the full transcript below.
A Comprehensive Guide to Anal Sex
Annette Benedetti: 1:00
Hi, this is Annette Benedetti, your hostess for a locker room talk, and shots The podcast that likes to think of itself as the queer NPR of raunchy women’s sex talk. You are about to sit in on the kind of conversations women have on their girls’ nights out or behind closed doors while enjoying delicious drinks and dishing about sex, think fun, honest, and feminist as fuck, and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy. one orgasm at a time. Welcome to the locker room.
Today’s locker room talk topic is What the butt? A comprehensive guide to anal play. God, you guys don’t know how much I love making up the titles for these podcast episodes. Now, I know, I know, guys, we have actually done a podcast on butt stuff before, but it was a fun one Me and Deanna / Ruby, one of your favorite guests, just talked about what we thought about butt play. I did believe it was just the two of us, but I’m leveling up the conversation out of our teenage boy humor talks to actually inviting someone on who’s going to teach you, you know, in a bit of a more mature way, how to have some fun butt play during sex. Because I mean it’s amazing, I have with me somatic embodiment coach and erotic liberation coach, Avery Dean Swift, and they have been on this show a couple of times now four, four times now And we’ve learned so much from them. And actually, I’m going to hand the mic over to Avery Dean to remind us which ones they have done before and then tell us a little bit about what they offer, and what they do.
Avery Dean Swift: 3:05
Awesome. Thanks, Annette. I’m happy to be back. I always have a good time hanging out and talking about sexy locker room topics with you. So thanks for the invitation. My name is Avery Dean Swift My pronouns are they and them And my practice as a coach includes primarily somatic embodiment and erotic liberation. I help people get out of pain and build lives cultivating and focusing on pleasure, ease, and joy, and I also do some sex education for adults and young people as well in some other parts of my life. So we’re here to talk a little bit today about anal pleasure, and anal play, because, guess what, everybody’s got a butt. So we’re going to Everyone does. Everyone’s got a butt, so we’re going to talk a little bit about some ways to incorporate anal pleasure and anal play into our sex lives.
Annette Benedetti: 3:58
I’m very excited about it. So remind listeners what the other episodes you are.
Avery Dean Swift: 4:06
So the first episode that you invited me here for we talked mainly about the erotic blueprints, and then I believe the next podcast we did was talking about the difference between orgasm and climax and how to understand and be able to separate the two. Not because they are really separate, they often come together, ha ha But when we understand the differences between those two things, we can actually cultivate more ecstatic orgasmic states of being and kind of hold off on the climaxes, because the physical climaxes are often the things where we need a little time and space to recover.
But the pleasurable orgasmic state of being is a thing that we can inhabit for a really long time And it’s really healing and it’s deeply nourishing and satisfying. So that’s one of my favorite things to do is cultivate that space of orgasmic pleasure. And then the most recent podcast I did was about being intersex and talking about what my life experience has been in an intersex body.
Annette Benedetti: 5:05
So go back and check out those episodes. They are just chock full of really good information. But today we’re talking about butts, so let’s get into it. So let’s raise our glasses and let’s get ready to talk about sex Cheers. All right, let’s dive into butt sex And I you know again. There you can. Guys can scroll back through the episodes and listen to the fun butt-play episode that we did before. But I just want to really help people who are interested or kind of have let a finger slip in but freak out about it. Why don’t we start with? why? Why butt play?
Avery Dean Swift: 5:45
Why? why butt play, honestly, why not? But the real answer to the why is because it’s extremely pleasurable. So our genitals and our anus are all innervated by the same nerve complex. So the same kind of erotic pleasure we can feel on our clips and on our dicks and then pussies and in all the other parts, those same nerve bundles and complexes also innervate the area around and inside of the anus.
So it literally is wired for pleasure. And now, since we talk about why, like, let’s also talk about why not butt stuff right, like what is it that? some of the, what is it that creates barriers in some people’s minds or bodies, etc.
To being able to freely play and pleasure, enjoying that area? Well, number one is actually number two. This is an area where we release our matter from what we eat that doesn’t serve us, that we don’t need. Right waste product, feces literally comes out of that hole, and so there is good reason to be really conscious and aware of how we’re engaging in that space to make sure that we’re keeping ourselves safe enough and relatively clean. So we’ll talk a little bit about cleanliness and how to prepare well for an experience like this, to minimize the risk of coming into contact with feces.
But related to that is actually, I think, the biggest reason that people don’t explore here or don’t feel comfortable exploring here, and it has to do a shame. We have been shamed around this part of our body for a really, really, really long time And I want to draw listeners’ attention to the understanding that is related to that nerve I spoke about a moment ago. So the nerve complex that actually is the nerve sensation that almost all of our genital pleasure comes through is called the pudendal nerve. Now, this nerve was named back in the days when folks were naming all kinds of body parts in medical literature housed in the Latin language. So the word pudendal has Latin roots And guess what that word means. Shame, Yes, the pudendal nerve was literally named the nerve of shame.
Annette Benedetti: 8:24
Fuck, what’s the deal?
Avery Dean Swift: 8:26
Literally. you’re correct about that because again, this nerve complex is responsible for the innervation of penises and vulvas and clitorises and vaginas and anuses. And so the nerve complex, the pudendal nerve complex that creates all these pleasurable sensations for us on the physical level, was named the nerve of shame, and this was named hundreds of years ago. So that tells us that very, very kind of intentionally steeped into our understanding of our bodies in the way that we understand them now in the Western white world was literally laced with shame. So this part of our body has been shamed for a very, very, very long time and it is deeply steeped in our culture for pleasure to be shameful.
Annette Benedetti: 9:14
Well, we’re done with shame here. So the reality is that anal play is incredibly pleasurable for people of all genders, and if you are not allowing yourself to experience this pleasure, you are, in my opinion, really missing out. So, knowing all of that, now let’s say you want to dip your toe in the water. Let’s get started on how well, first of all, you got to do your own shame work. There is some of that.
Avery Dean Swift: 9:48
Yeah, And I think most of us who are learning to have pleasurable sex in our lives are really a pleasure in our lives period also being able to rest, being able to take good care of ourselves. All of these things require us to kind of come face to face with the shameful ideas that we’re supposed to work, work, work, work hard until we die and maybe have some pleasure in retirement, but no sexual pleasure, can’t have sexual pleasure because that’s dirty, bad and wrong. Well, those old ideas that don’t serve us anymore. I don’t know if they ever did actually serve any positive purpose, but I feel 100% convinced at this point in my life that those kinds of shame do not serve anything of value. There are reasons to be cautious and conscious and wise about how we engage with pleasure and eroticism and sexuality in bodies, but that doesn’t mean we need to shame ourselves or each other for the experience of pleasure and wanting to experience pleasure in our lives, because literally, quite literally, all we are wired for pleasure.
Annette Benedetti: 10:54
So let’s get into it. How does someone start playing with butts, or having their butt played with? Where is the starting point?
Avery Dean Swift: 11:06
Yeah. So the starting point for me personally was in the shower with the lover I was very comfortable with, who was very turned on about the idea of playing with my butt, partly because of the taboo, which, honestly, is one of the things that can make it really fun and exciting for some folks is that there is some shame associated with this area, and for anybody who’s into kinky stuff, as we know, the idea of the shame and the taboo can actually be a big part of the arousal and the turn on. So for me, the way this started was I didn’t personally feel very interested in it, but I was deeply invested in my lover’s experience. I wanted them to be able to have their fantasy come to life And, of course, it was exciting for me to be able to be the body that got to help them live out that fantasy. So we started in the shower with soapy fingers and just exploring the area, and that can be a really great way to begin just soft, sensual finger exploration on the outside of the body, even starting a little further away and coupling it with touch that we already find pleasurable, so stroking of the genitals or other parts of the body that we know we find pleasurable, starting there, getting some arousal and some turn on flowing in the body and then starting to gently play in the realm of adding touch sensation in a new and different area, in this case around the anus, and playing with what feels good. And how do we tip toe toward that edge of? maybe it’s starting to get uncomfortable. All right, dial it back a little bit, come back to pleasure And then take another little foray to the edge of discomfort and then dial it back and come back to pleasure, and in this way we can help train our bodies and our minds to be more open to experiencing the pleasure that is available for most bodies in that area. I do want to pause with a brief caveat, because if someone doesn’t experience pleasure in their anus, it doesn’t mean they’re broken. It doesn’t mean that something’s wrong with them.
There are going to be, like every other unique way that human beings show up, There will be people for whom this just is never, no matter what they do, a pleasurable experience. So I want to hold space for that as well. If you don’t experience pleasure here and you don’t want to, that is totally okay. You are totally normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken. This is not a thing that you must push through to have good sex in your life. So I want to make sure that we don’t give that impression. And at the same time, for me personally, it was not a pleasurable thing when it started, until I got through that hump of shame and discomfort that my brain had associated with that part of my body. And now anal play is one of the most pleasurable things that I experienced in my body, and so I’m really glad that I was encouraged strongly by the lover I had at the time to keep exploring that area until I got through the shame. So I would encourage all of us out there explore in the shower, even on your own body, if that’s an easier place to begin. But playing with a lover can be really nice too, at least until you get through the shame of it. If you get through the shame of it and still don’t experience pleasure, call me. I might be able to help you with that too. But also you can let it go. But there’s going to be value in moving through the shame, regardless of if you ever experience pleasure or not. So I think there can be a positive exploration here, even if it’s not pleasure centered.
Annette Benedetti: 15:12
One thing I would love for you to explain to listeners is the difference between the pleasure that a male body with a prostate experiences versus a body without a prostate. I think a lot of people think, oh, only people with prostates can experience pleasure from anal penetration. But that is not true. So can you explain how that happens for both kinds of bodies?
Avery Dean Swift: 15:48
Absolutely So. All bodies, no matter what the gender or biology, have that same innervated nerve complex where there’s lots of nerve endings in those tissues. Now, bodies that do have a prostate. The pleasure experience of the prostate has a lot of similarities to the pleasure experience of the G-spot, so we sometimes call it the P-spot. The prostate is sometimes called the P-spot because of those similarities. Many bodies will actually like a similar type of stimulation which includes pressure on those spots, maybe with some movement, but generally, pressure is one of the more pleasurable aspects of that. Too much speed without any pressure is sometimes overstimulating for folks.
So starting with slowness and pressure is a good place to begin And then branching out from there based on what the body is experiencing and what that person is enjoying about the experience. So the prostate itself is an orgasmic place with proper stimulation of a prostate which doesn’t mean only one thing. It’s going to be dependent on the body, on the person with the prostate, because what each person likes is a little like how each vulva likes some different things. You know each prostate is going to have its own set of stimulation that it really enjoys, its own bits of stimulation that are the best, but when stimulated in the way that that prostate likes to be stimulated, it can create, for some folks, a really powerful orgasmic climax. You’ve probably seen in some movies I think it was even in one of the American pie movies where they made some silly riff on someone going into a sperm bank and having a nurse help them have an ejaculation via the prostate, and it is a thing that when someone knows what they’re doing, it can come. It can come pretty quickly, and so that is a thing that’s possible with the prostate And the G-spot also has a similar capacity to be able to have massively powerful orgasmic climactic experiences with the proper stimulation, which again doesn’t mean just one thing. It’s not like I could tell you, do A, do B, then C, and you’re going to have an explosive orgasm.
That’s not really how it works with bodies and pleasure. It’s really more exploring what that body likes, doing more of what the body likes, continuing the things that that body likes and dialing away from things that don’t feel pleasurable for that body. So communication is important. But no matter what the body, all of those nerve endings of the pudendal nerve exist there And so touch fingers, toys, tongues, vibrating things, non-vibrating things for some people, warm or cool temperature can be a really fun exploration.
There are lots of different ways to kind of stimulate those nerve endings And the more stimulated those nerve endings are, to a degree we can over-stimulate. But when in the right zone of stimulation, every anus can experience tremendous amounts of pleasurable sensation And we can have assgasms that aren’t necessarily prostate focused, that are more focused around the anus and around the couple few inches of the beginning of that body, part of that orifice.
Annette Benedetti: 19:13
If I had only known about assgasms when naming this podcast, it definitely would have been in the title. I’m going to tell you.
Avery Dean Swift: 19:24
I should have told you before.’
Annette Benedetti: 19:25
I will be using the term assgasm regularly, so listeners get ready.
Avery Dean Swift: 19:32
Yes, get ready. I love it. Honestly, the sphincters of the anus are really powerful muscles And if you think about what a climax is, it is a pulsing contraction of muscular tissue in the pelvis And the anus has really strong muscles there. So those contractions, those pulsatile contractions of the anus, can be incredibly pleasurable, especially when there is something inside the anus for it to grip around. So an orgasm with a butt plug in the anus or an orgasm with a tongue in the anus or a finger or another kind of toy can create additional stimulation during those orgasmic and climactic pulsations. That can increase the pleasurable sensations and also expand the time and space of that orgasmic experience. They can make the orgasms last longer, feel fuller, more nourishing, more satisfying, more pleasurable.
Annette Benedetti: 20:38
How does one prepare for this kind of play if they want to avoid a ton of shit?
Avery Dean Swift: 20:43
literally, yes, So this is a place where we’re literally playing with shit. Potentially, not everybody wants to play with shit and it is a legit barrier and boundary to say I am not interested in playing with fecal matter. However, it’s important for all of us to note that again. If we are playing in the place where fecal matter moves, it is likely that at some point or another, you’re going to come into contact with some fecal matter. So have a wet towel nearby, and have some things nearby for cleanup if that does happen in the moment. And also, let’s talk about some ways to prepare well to minimize the risk of coming into contact with fecal matter because for most people, fecal matter is not that sexy. Some people like it to each their own, but if we don’t want to experience that, cleanliness and hygiene are a big part of it, but our diet is also a part of it. So our digestion is also a part of it, and that’s a part that a lot of people may not think about a whole lot, but I want to talk about both of those things.
So, briefly, let’s talk about diet what we eat, and how our body digests. What we eat changes what our bowel movements are like. So for people whose bowel movements are kind of more on the diarrhea end. That leaves a lot more fecal matter in the tissues and in the canal. So more prep would be warranted to clean things out, to create a cleaner experience or a less messy experience. Bodies that have a lot of constipation can actually have some discomfort with anal pleasure because if the pelvis is full of fecal matter that hasn’t passed yet it doesn’t feel very good to be punching up into it.
For some people, for people who have pretty smooth and easy digestion meaning our bowel movements are fairly well formed, they’re relatively easy. They’re soft but still very solid. They’re not fluid. That is our healthiest way of having a bowel movement And it leaves the least amount of residue within the anus and within the rectum. Generally speaking, our fecal matter is not in the rectum itself. The rectum is more of a passageway from the small intestine to the outside of the body. The rectum is the area that we generally play with when we’re talking with anal play And it’s the part of the body that is penetrated into.
Most experiences don’t go beyond the colon and actually into the small intestine. Some people who really want to literally play in the deep end here do play in those realms, but that’s really like Olympic level. You really know what you’re doing and you’re really wanting to edge into some of the more intense things. So I’m not going to go deep into that for now. We’re going to keep this a little bit more focused on the folks who are newly exploring and wanting to broach into this area. If you want to do a deep dive again, call me. We can have that conversation.
So to prepare well, knowing how what you eat affects your body, and if you know you’re going to be doing a play date that you want to include anal, really pay attention to your diet for a few days beforehand Avoiding foods that make your stool runny, avoiding foods that make you feel constipated, and eating kind of a relatively plant-forward diet works well for many human bodies. So having some vegetables, some leafy greens, some fibrous things will help clear out our channels a bit and help things move cleanly through our system and not leave a lot of residue. So I’ll leave it there with the diet piece. But that’s a way that we can really pay attention to having less cleanup need in the beginning.
Now preparing to be anally penetrated, preparing our own bodies for that, no matter what your gender or biology, the cleaning procedures are quite similar. If you have really good digestion and you’re talking only about digital or toy penetration you’re not talking about oral play with the anus. You know a really good shower where you relax as much as you can and maybe gently insert one finger just a little way inside of your anus to clean things out near the surface. Be careful with soap, because soap can be super irritating to that part of our bodies. You may even consider using lube to get your finger in there, help rinse things out a little bit. If you have a massaging shower head or you have a bidet or a similar type of pulsating water possibility for some people’s bodies, that can work well to relax the anal sphincter and use that water to kind of rinse out inside the rectum. You can also do this with an enema bottle or other kinds of squirt bottles where you can squirt a little bit of water up into the rectum and then release the water out the anus and kind of clear out fecal matter in that place.
If you are going to be doing oral play in that area, I would highly recommend going ahead and doing some sort of internal cleanse like that, where you’re getting some water up inside the rectum and really clearing out as much residue as possible, because our mouths are more sensitive to bacteria and there are some bacterial infections, including hepatitis, that are spread through fecal matter. So because there’s a higher risk in this area, we want to be more aware of those risks so that we can mitigate and minimize those risks so that we can play with a lot of pleasure and ease and be less worried about those risks in the moment. I know for me, the more clean I feel because I know that I have done a good job of cleaning myself out, it is much, much easier for me to relax into the pleasure when I’m not worried that my partner is going to find fecal matter in my bone.
Annette Benedetti: 26:49
Yeah, yeah, I prefer you know. I think that it’s important to acknowledge there’s always a chance, even after you’ve cleaned yourself out Absolutely That you’re. You know there may be some, but you know you do your best.
Avery Dean Swift: 27:06
Hey, we do the best we can And then we learn. You know, if we need to do better in the future, we can learn how to do that if we do have some messy accidents. So one of my favorite podcasters, Dan Savage, the Savage Lovecast, loves that guy. He coined a term for the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex and he calls it Santorum, named after Rick Santorum, and that is a sometimes byproduct of anal sex. Especially when you’re talking like heavy penetration, pound town ass pounding. That’s the place where you’re more likely to experience fecal matter. If you’ve got one finger gently exploring, or if you’ve got a tongue gently exploring around the opening, you’re less likely to run into the fecal matter. Literally, the deeper you go there, the more likely, the higher the risk of running into some fecal matter. So the activities that you choose are going to make a difference in that too.
Annette Benedetti: 28:12
Okay, now we are clean, we’re clean. So let’s move into the butt. Let’s move into the butt. What are some things we need and how do we get started?
Avery Dean Swift: 28:22
So the only thing that you need is willingness. Everything else can be done with tongues and fingers. It’s really wise to have lube. For some people, saliva is enough lube for that place, but for many people it won’t be. So I really encourage you to have a good lube that you like, that you know works well with your body, because what kind of lube?
Annette Benedetti: 28:48
What kind of lube?
Avery Dean Swift: 28:51
That’s going to depend on each person’s body and their experience with lube. A water-based lube is the least reactive with toys and condoms and other things, but it also goes away It absorbs the most quickly. A silicone-based lube can work with a lot of condoms and lasts quite a bit longer. So I find personally that a silicone-based lube is my favorite lube to use for anal play. Oil-based lubes also last a long time and can hang out really well. The biggest drawback of oil-based lubes is that they do not work with latex condoms. So if you are a person who uses latex condoms as part of your safer sex practices, oil-based lubes are totally out, and some silicone lubes aren’t a great bet either. So you want to make sure that you find a lube that says it can work with latex condoms, if that’s what you’re using for safer sex. If you’re not using latex condoms, then there’s a little bit more space for you to use whatever lube that you like.
The Sliquid brand anal lube is one of my favorites. You can get that at Sheebop in Portland as well as many other places, But I find that their particular anal lube Sliquid again is the brand That for me works really well. I like it. It works well with my body. There isn’t anything about the taste or the smell that I find unpleasant or uncomfortable, And the reason we need so much lube is that the anus is not a self-lubricating orifice, the way that the mouth and the vagina are. So to have penetration with an anus, even if it’s just one small finger, you’re going to want lube, And this is an area where more lube is almost always better. It takes a while to get to the place where it’s too much lube. They even do make lube applicators that are a little like a syringe that you can actually place the lube further up into the anus. So that’s another option for lubrication in that area as well. For people that really want to do deep penetrative anal activity, Sometimes depositing lube deeper into the anus is a really good idea. So you make sure everything stays nice and slick. If you are the person receiving anal penetration, be very vocal about your needs. If it feels a little uncomfortable, ask for more lube. That might be all that you need to make it more comfortable. Also, the person receiving penetration should be in charge of the depth of penetration, the speed of movement, the intensity of anything that’s going on. So if you’re the person topping in this scenario. If you are playing with someone else’s butt, make sure that you are really deeply tuning in to what they’re saying, how their body is responding, any noises that they’re making, attune deeply to their experience. To make sure that you’re not doing too much too fast, Because when we’re talking butt stuff it’s really easy to go too much too fast. It is an extremely sensitive area And, again, those anal sphincters are designed to be tight And it takes a lot of relaxation to be able to allow the anus to open enough. Where penetration is both possible and also pleasurable, We can push past the force of those sphincters, but generally speaking that’s an uncomfortable experience, not a pleasurable experience. So unless someone is asking you to actively push past their sphincter clenching or holding I wouldn’t recommend doing that if your focus is pleasure.
Annette Benedetti: 32:28
Right That it’s important not to you. Don’t just shove it in. You could really hurt some someone that way. Do not just shove it in. Yeah, whether we’re talking finger, dick, dildo, toy.]
Avery Dean Swift: 32:44
Unless the bottom is literally saying to you yes, please just shove it in. If you’re getting that request, you could meet that request if you believe that. That’s okay with that person. But if you’re not actively getting that request, like Annette said, do not just shove it in. Not a good plan. You are likely to shut down pleasure and activity pretty quickly by doing that.
Annette Benedetti: 33:07
What are some of your favorite products or toys to use when first starting out with anal play?
Avery Dean Swift: 33:15
A small butt plug is a great starter toy and tool for playing in this area, for getting used to that part of our body having sensation, having touch. So a really beautiful way to start this is get a small butt plug with a big flange. It’s very, very important Any toys or anything you’re putting into a butt, make sure it’s got a flange or a lip, a piece at the end that is much bigger than the toy itself, because toys will get kind of sucked up into the anus. It can happen If it doesn’t have a backstop. It can get sucked up into the anus and sometimes all the way into the small intestine And the only way to get it out is to go to the emergency room and have it removed And I promise you no one at the ER is going to believe that you accidentally fell on whatever it is that is stuck up your butt.
Annette Benedetti: 34:20
That’s so terrifying, that is such a terrifying idea to me. I don’t even want to think about how they would get something like that out. So make sure you whatever what are you calling it? a flange? the lip, yeah, whatever it is is much bigger than everything else. With the butt plugs I have found personally and I’m curious about your opinion that I like the ones that are more kind of long and thin and gradually get bigger as you put them in, rather than a lot of the kind of cheaper butt plugs. Are these kind of bulbous, pointy?
Avery Dean Swift: 34:58
eggs. They’re my favorite. Oh, you like those style are actually my favorite kind of butt plug, Yeah. So different bodies are going to like different things. So this is where it’s important to you know if you like the first thing you try, Great, you can stick with that. If you don’t like the first thing you try, you might like a different style better. So if you don’t like the first thing you try, it doesn’t mean that you don’t like butt stuff. It just means that whatever you started with might not have been your thing. So they make some that are have like graduated balls or like bulbs, And so they have multiple bulbs that kind of cause the anus to expand and then contract in the narrower places and then expand for the next bulb and then contract in the narrower places. So the narrower places on any butt toy are where the anal sphincters can kind of connect and squeeze a little bit. And one of the reasons butt plugs are a great starter toy is you put them in and then you don’t move them around a lot, They just kind of hang out there. So they offer some stimulation of those nerve endings while you’re doing other activities that you already find pleasurable, Whether that’s oral sex, whether that’s hand and manual stimulation, whether that’s a penetrative activity with other parts. Wearing a butt plug during other pleasurable play can both help to get the butt used to being touched and can increase pleasurable sensations overall.
Annette Benedetti: 36:30
Yeah, i have found what I really like. If I’m going to have butt play or a butt plug put in or anal sex, is I get out my pleasure? error toy and I suck it onto my clit and it starts working away at the clit as my partner uses whether it’s he’s putting in a plug or his cock or another toy. So I’m getting that clitoral excitement paired with the stimulation of the butt play starting in. That is intensely pleasurable.
Avery Dean Swift: 37:06
Yes, i’m right with you, annette. One of my most pleasurable things right now is to have my clit stimulated in some way while I’ve got a tongue in my ass There. just, i have found nothing that creates that amount of pleasurable sensory stimulation, and, honestly, part of it is that in order to experience pleasure with someone’s tongue in my butt, i have to let go of shame. I have to be able to relax and allow completely, and when I’m able to do that in my body, i am able to experience more pleasurable sensations and a greater orgasmic capacity. And so playing with butt stuff in a way that requires that level of relaxation increases my ability to feel pleasure overall. And so, yes, start with pleasure In any sexual experience. Whenever you’re gonna try something new, it’s a really good idea to start with what you already know you like and experiencing pleasure, and get your system kind of worked up and turned on, get that blood flowing, get your cheeks all pink with pleasure, get your heart rate stimulated a bit, and once your body is already feeling pleasure, then insert the butt plug or then start to bring in the next layer of exploration And, as I was mentioning earlier, start slow And, if it becomes too much, dial back. Once you’re back in really amazing pleasure again, then go a little more and try again for the next level of stimulation And then, when it’s again, it’s easy to do too much too fast. So make sure that you are taking things slowly and don’t be in a hurry to get anywhere. Let yourself enjoy the stimulation and the exploration of finding what you like And don’t be afraid to keep trying the same things over and over, especially if you find yourself bracing or rigid or fearful or uncomfortable or feeling shame, like those are things that will work themselves through with time spent in cultivating the pleasurable experience.
Annette Benedetti: 39:09
Is it true that the more that you do that, the more you incorporate anal play into your sex life and the more you graduate up the size of toy or object that, then your body will be able to do that easier the next time?
Avery Dean Swift: 39:27
Often. Often that’s the case, and I think that that has a limit as well, because the anus is only meant to stretch so far And, like with any other body part, if we push our body too far, beyond our natural limits, things might not always bounce back, so to speak. So there have been people who have experienced what’s known as anal prolapse, where they have softened the muscles and the tissues so much in that area that the rectum actually starts to kind of fall out of the anus and protrude a little bit from the anus. Now, when that is happening in the midst of a pleasurable experience and things are softening and some of those inner tissues are actually exposed to the outside, that can be really pleasurable, and that’s not what I’m talking about. But what I’m talking about is when the tissues of the rectum actually start to kind of poke out through the anus, when you’re not like just normal sitting down or whatever they’re starting to extrude a little bit from the body. That could be a sign that there’s been a little too much stretching, a little overstimulation of those areas And honestly, person to person, if the experience of the pleasure is worth, whatever medical intervention you have to do for the prolapse, that is your choice. It’s your body, your choice. If you don’t want to have that experience of anal prolapse, really listen into your body and don’t push past any of the natural barriers where your body is going like, ooh, that might be too much. Listen to that.
Annette Benedetti: 41:04
Right, good advice. All right, we are at that point in the podcast where I have kind of a couple final questions. Let’s round up the toys, the objects of ways in which we can experience anal play, because there is a variety kind of list them out for listeners who want to jump in. Maybe don’t jump in and shove a cock in there right away, but there’s, anal play is a suite of activities. They’re a suite of toys, and then when you’re done, what do you do? I mean, i know what I do, but let’s just start with making sure listeners have their takeaways with what all they can kind of put on their list of what we’re gonna do with my butt.
Avery Dean Swift: 41:56
So very simple starters fingers are a great simple way to begin that you don’t have to go buy anything or find anything extra. So fingers and loop can be a great place to start. Small butt plugs are also a great place to start and then slowly graduate the size of the thing until you find what really is your sweet spot, which may shift over time the more experience you have and the more your body is able to relax into the pleasurable sensations. So that can mean butt plugs, that can mean dildos. There are some toys that are made very specifically for anal pleasure and anal play, especially for prostates. So there are some great vibrating toys that really are designed specifically to sit right at that notch of the prostate, which for many bodies is roughly about two inches into the body. If you think about inserting your pointer finger into someone’s anus with the pad of your finger facing the front of their body, if you slide in roughly two inches right about to the second knuckle, there is a little like a V-shaped notch in there, that where the prostate is sitting around either side of the anal cavity, kind of in the front of the anal cavity and then off to around to the sides a little bit. Some toys will sit right in that spot and vibrate and stimulate or even thrust a little bit right in that spot. So you can get very specific toys for anal pleasure if that’s something that sounds good to you. Toys, fingers, butt plugs, lots of lube cocks work when the body is well prepared for that size of stimulation. Same with dildos or even larger dildos. Anal fisting is a thing that some people move in
to when they have a lot of experience and desire a really full feeling when they’re able to relax enough to get there.
Annette Benedetti: 43:50
Beads. You know what I have? it hasn’t been since I was anal beads like I think the last time I did that I was in college.Avery Dean Swift: 44:01
Yes, thank you, I’d forgotten about anal beads. Anal beads can be great. There are beads connected on a string and you begin a session by kind of one by one, gently popping those beads past the anal sphincter into the rectum And then you can leave them in there for a period of time while you’re playing and doing other things, and it can feel really good to as the body is inching toward climax. as you’re starting to get to that edge of climax, pop one bead out through the sphincter and it can really shift that climax. It’s a way of edging. actually, Some people use anal beads for edging. whereas you’re getting close, you pop the bead out and it kind of is a little bit of a shock to the system, but in a pleasurable way. So the climax may dissipate. If you get the timing right, the climax will dissipate and then you can build and build and build to the next point of climax And then, again right timing, pop the bead out. the climax will dissipate rather than actually climaxing and you can keep edging and building in that way to higher and higher states of pleasure. There are some toys that work in a similar way I was mentioning earlier. some have like graduated bulbs that have bulbs of different sizes. You can use those toys in a similar way to anal beads, where you’re using them as an edging tool to shift the climax.
Annette Benedetti: 45:21
Oh there you go.
Avery Dean Swift: 45:23
So, yeah, there’s a lot of toys. Prepare yourself well, clean yourself well. A good shower again, a bidet or a massaging shower head attachment as long as it’s gentle, you can find a great cleansing of the anus there. You can use an enema bottle or similar for a little bit of rinsing of the internal tissues And then use lots, and lots, and lots and lots and lots and lots of lube. A lot, a lot. And one other caveat it’s worth noting that tissues of the anus are thinner than tissues of the vagina or even the mouth, and so anal tissues are more susceptible to STIs. You are more likely to contract an STI through anal tissue than you are through vaginal or oral tissue. That’s true of HIV, it’s true of HSV, hpv, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, et cetera. All STIs are higher risk of transmission through anal tissue, so just be aware of that as well.
Annette Benedetti: 46:21
Okay, and when you are A, i’m just going to add in I like to use the enema bottle. I feel like it does a job, It’s simple, it’s easy, and then in the shower I wash off the rest. That’s just my personal advice. So, after math, what is your advice? I for myself, even though if I’ve done a lot of prep, if I’ve got a butt plug in or anything that’s left in, i like to go to the bathroom myself to remove and take care of business. But I’m curious about what your thoughts are.
Avery Dean Swift: 47:02
So, depending on the partner that you’re with and the desires that the two of you have together, sometimes it can be really sexy to have your partner remove the thing, and for some people they would much rather go and take care of it themselves. So know yourself, maybe well enough to know what your preferences are, and then communicate about that with your partner prior to the moment, so that when the moment comes, you can sneak yourself off to the bathroom if that’s what you want to do, or you can invite your partner to help you out with that. I love keeping a damp towel near the bed so that that kind of cleanup is really easy right there without even having to get out of the bed. I like to keep a soft, dry towel that I can like soak things up with, and then also a damp towel. It is a little cold, so trade offs right. If you’re okay with that, great. If not, you might try something different. But a little damp towel to clean things up, and then I make my way to the bathroom. It’s always a good idea to pee after sex, no matter what kind of sex you’re having, no matter what kind of body you have, but especially for bodies with the bowl. But it’s really a good idea to urinate after sex, and especially if you’ve been including anal play in any part of your sex, because if any of the bacteria that is normal in the anus ends up in the urethra, you have a risk of bladder infection. So pee after sex, no matter what your body type is. I like to shower after extensive anal play because fluids get all over the place and I like to feel clean afterwards.
Annette Benedetti: 48:30
So I can’t believe I didn’t think to bring this up. I think also, something to address is mixing the anal play with vaginal play. Let me talk about that. Yeah, let’s make sure that this is our last piece, and this is super important. Bookmark this section.
Avery Dean Swift: 48:48
So for bodies that have both a vulva and an anus, you can go from the vulva to the anus no problem. In fact vaginal secretions can help be a little bit of a lubricant for anal play as well. Do not go the other way. Don’t go from anus to vagina, because again the transfer of those bacteria can create bacterial infections in the vaginal tissues or in the urethral tissues. That are not positive. They’re not good. We don’t want that bacteria in there. So toys, fingers, tongues, no matter what it is, if you’ve played with it in the butt, do not then put it onto the vagina. Make sure it’s well washed and cleaned first. So if you want to play with butt and vagina in the same setting, you might want to consider having an extra set of toys so that you can have things inserted in both parts of the body at the same time without mixing those insertibles. Some people also really like to use condoms over their toys just to minimize again any of that bacteria getting onto or into the toy itself.
Annette Benedetti: 49:50
I can’t believe we forgot that, because I have definitely made the mistake of. you know, sometimes it happens accidentally anyways, But like I’ll tell you what, I’ll get a yeast infection or a BV infection so quick if there’s any mixing of fluids. So I’m very careful about that. Any last thoughts I feel like we have covered. This has definitely been a butt 101.
Avery Dean Swift: 50:17
My final thought on this is that, while it may feel uncomfortable to work through the shame and the stigma and the discomfort of being touched in a part of our bodies that we have been taught is dirty, bad and wrong, in my personal experience it is so worth working through that discomfort and shame because there is a tremendous amount of pleasure available both on the other side of the shame period and then also very specifically in the tissues around the anus and rectum. It is a highly pleasure-intervated part of our bodies. So if there are reasons you don’t want to, I’m not here to pressure you in any way but if you’re open to it, i would highly encourage you to explore If you want to expand your orgasmic capacity. This is a way that has a really high likelihood of return on that investment to spend some time exploring.
Annette Benedetti: 51:12
I agree. I think that it’s unfortunate that there is so much shame around it because it’s definitely pleasurable for people of all genders. So I’m glad that you took the time to come on here and talk about it. Now I would like you to let listeners know where they can find you if they want to contact you or learn more about what you’re doing.
Avery Dean Swift: 51:32
Yeah, if you’d like to go deeper into this topic or any other topic related to sexuality, find me at embodyyoursensescom. That’s my website. You can also find me on social media at embodyyoursenses. I’m on Instagram and Facebook, both. Feel free to reach out to me there. I am likely going to be doing a live class on anal pleasure this summer or fall, either in the Hood River or Portland area maybe both. So if that sounds interesting to you, get on my mailing list and stay apprised of when that class is available to sign up.
Annette Benedetti: 52:10
And, of course, i will put all of this information in the notes. When you scroll down on this podcast, do you guys know where you can find me? I’m on Instagram and Facebook. She explores life and locker room talking shots. Head over to TikTok. Please join me there, even though my account is, and probably will forever be, suppressed because of the content I make. You can find me at locker room talk podcast there And, oh, of course, youtube. You can watch this on YouTube and actually see who’s teaching you. So that is at Annette Benedetti. Thank you, averi Dean, for joining me again and really illuminating this subject, which can be very uncomfortable for people and is so important because it gives people so much access to pleasure. So thank you for being here.
Avery Dean Swift: 53:02
Absolutely, it’s my pleasure, Annette. Thanks so much for inviting me back.
Annette Benedetti: 53:06
And until next time, listeners, I will see you in the Locker Room.