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Real Talk with Ruby: Toiling for Toilet Paper

A Tussle Over Toilet Paper

Dear Ruby, 

 I really need your wisdom right now! You always seem to have a creative and wise way to resolve what life throws at you. You take a challenge by the nuts and squeeze until they burst, and that’s what I love about you.

 Here is the desperate situation I need your help with. As you may have already noticed, there is mass hysteria due to the Coronavirus pandemic, and that hysteria has hit close to home for me. I battle IBS so there are times when I may not poop for days, but then there are also times when I sport the lovely red ring on my ass as a reminder that the toilet is my Barcalounger. Not to mention, I have been blessed with womanhood and bleed like a stabbing victim for 5 to 7 to…well…whenever the devil leaves my vagina. 

Because of my gut issues, I do, I tend to not penny pinch on my toilet paper and instead buy the good stuff. When I get down to my last 4 rolls of toilet paper, I go buy another 12 pack, which lasts at least 2 months. As luck would have it, it came time to buy the supply the week every moron in this country thinks they are going to need 5 cases of toilet paper to get through the quarantine. These, of course, are the same people who either are not working or have stayed home from work so, while others are reporting for work in this mess and not able to go to the store, they bought all the toilet paper. 

So, I worked a full day and then some, then went to do my weekly shopping, and BOOM! No god damn toilet paper. I am punished because I am going to work so their dumbasses can get treated if they get sick. Great way to show gratitude, right? What the hell is this girl to do when my four rolls are gone and these idiots are still buying out the toilet paper while I hit the front lines?


Irritable, Bloated & Sick of it All

toilet paper, Coronavirus, pandemic

Hey IBS!

Thanks for taking the time to write in, and may I suggest not using snail mail? I mean you could have used that cute stationary to wipe your ass after that blissful, post first-cup-of-coffee  morning BM. Man, I really could use a good ol’ cup of Joe about now! 

It is times like these that survival boils down to having a creative mind and willingness to work outside the box. Like my Pappy used to say, “When life gives you the shits, reach for a full bush.” If you want to whine about people hoarding toilet paper and baby wipes, all you are going to accomplish is a dry cracked case of swamp ass. Stop blaming others for the fact that all your panties now have rally stripes. What are you really accomplishing with all this pissing and moaning about your constant bowel movements and your fellow ignorant Earth dwellers fighting a virus with paper products?

 The fact that you seemed to be able to put pen to paper, leads me to assume you have some wits about you, although your method of communication in today’s day and age has me wondering if your brain is fully functioning. Use that marble rolling around in your skull and step up to the challenge and channel your inner MacGyver. 

 As you approach the last little white square of paper whose sole purpose is to run across your nibblets and tidy them up after emptying the black water tank of your inner being, start looking around and picture what could be swiping across your ass next. I recommend keeping in mind the texture, pliability and strength of your TP alternate. Rethink using the Scotch Brite pad sitting on the sink, I mean your anus is not made of stainless-steel so it won’t be very soothing, (though, I am sure that you’d end up with the shiniest butthole in all Clackamas county). 

Instead of looking in the house, go get some fresh air and wander your yard. Have some sunflowers? I mean all the cool kids Oregonian’s have sunflowers in their yard, it is the hipster way. They have nice large leaves, maybe you have a magnolia tree which also happens to have large sturdy leaves. Take it back to nature as our ancestors did. See the coronavirus pandemic as an opportunity to disconnect yourself from modern conveniences and get back in touch with the simpler things. This is a time to channel your family members that live in a time before mass produced paper products, and get back to basics. 

Have kids at home? Make is a history and social studies combination lesson. How did people keep their bums clean before toilet paper? How do humans adapt to a society that lacks TP? Just stop being a whiny Wilma and see making it through the Covid-19 quarantine as a chance for you to improve yourself as a human being. No one likes a crying little sis, but what they respect is someone who isn’t afraid to face that bull and charge it, fingers protruding from their head in a mocking fashion. Sure the bull will stomp your ass, but at least you tried your best. So, end this pity party, step up and improvise!

Sitting on a throne of Cottenelle, 



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Deanna Sheaffer
Deanna Sheaffer
Deanna Sheaffer, a.k.a Ruby, has been an inspiring writer since 8th grade when a teacher saw her passion and creativity and encouraged that part of her. She loves to dance and music is the fuel to her soul. She is known to come up with some great one-liners from time to time and believes in true transparency and being you fully.
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