HomeDatingDefinitely Gay: On Dating. Why is the Bar So Low for Men?

Definitely Gay: On Dating. Why is the Bar So Low for Men?

Dating: A Message to Men (& the Women who Date them) from Your Friendly Neighborhood Lesbian

The patriarchy…am I right ladies? If you are reading this, chances are I don’t need to explain to you how that pesky patriarchy affects so many facets of our lives as women. Only recently did I discover yet another way in which men have an advantage over us: dating. As a woman who dates women (or tries to), I have found out how dreadfully low the bar is for men. And I must admit, I’m a little salty about the whole thing.

Dating & Appearance / Grooming

Hours. Hours are devoted to preparing for a date. Do you think you’re going to be getting laid? Add even more time. We’re talking outfits, makeup, hairstyles (the ones on your head), hairstyles (the other ones), perfumes, and probably some other things which I forgot because I have not been on a date in quite a while. What about for men? If he’s able to wash his ball sack and run a comb through his hair he is pretty much good to go. I am constantly shaking my head at the number of t-shirts I see being worn by men out in public on dates. I wonder what they get to do with all that extra time.

dating, gay, lesbian

Fitness & Finding Love

As women, our bodies are constantly put under a microscope. We stress about going out to eat and what’s on the menu that fits into my diet? If I eat another god damn salad I’m going to cause bodily harm to an innocent bystander or waiter. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been around men who are judging women for their looks. If she’s not thin, she’s fat. These critiques many times come from the mouths of men who haven’t been to a gym in years, if ever. They have beer bellies that protrude over their ill-fitting jeans and not once have they ever given a second thought to their food order. And they’re probably getting laid the same amount as me when dating (I ran six miles today and get one cheat meal a week. Usually).


I recently was part of a conversation where a woman was discussing how her husband had bought her flowers, and this act brought her to tears. Over FLOWERS? I’d be willing to bet he probably got an awesome blowjob out of it, too. When I was in a relationship I frequently would buy flowers for my girlfriend, carrying them home a three-quarter mile walk from the store in harsh East Coast weather. Do you know what I got? Nothing. It just really goes to show how low the bar is for men if something as simple as buying flowers, which takes about 5 minutes, can cause such an intense emotional reaction. 


It was many moons ago that I dated men but I still recall the general structure of a date when dating. Dinner and a movie. Dinner then the bar. Maybe skip dinner altogether and just go the bar, it was whatever. As a woman dating women though, you have to be willing to pull out all the stops. Get that chef’s tasting reservation at that hot new restaurant six weeks in advance. Does your date prefer the symphony or the ballet? Maybe it’s neither. You should probably check what concerts are coming into town and buy tickets before they sell out. This all requires a great deal of time and research. And probably a similar chance of success as the guy who took a shower and took his date to a chain restaurant.

Sex & Dating

For many women, we know the sad and unfortunate drill (pun intended). Sex is over as soon as the guy gets off. Maybe he went down on you for a few minutes, but as soon as it started to get good, he stopped. He put forth all the effort he needs to as a straight man, so it’s onto the main performance (his orgasm). Perhaps it’s partially because I consider myself to be a very…giving person, but this concept is so foreign to me, especially as a gay woman. I’ve gone down on my sexual partner for so long I had a headache and had trouble chewing the next day. A friend of mine fucked her way into a wrist brace! 

Whether or not your partner gets off (I know it can be very difficult for some women) I can’t imagine not putting forth all the effort possible. I’m probably also biased, but having sex with women is pretty fucking enjoyable.

So, why is the bar so different for men and women? I don’t have an answer, but I have a theory. I think as women, we know what we are capable of. Society already holds us to a higher standard in most other aspects of life, and dating is no different. It is exhausting and at times, disheartening. Dating women can be difficult, but that makes it so much more rewarding. I love dating women, just don’t expect me to not complain about it along the way.

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Anna Arroyo
Anna Arroyo
I'm a gay ass writer, and I've got shit to say.