Polyamory, Mormons & Unicorns
recently decided that reentering the dating world, after the disintegration of my 15-year marriage, wasn’t humbling enough. I thought I could really step up my game by also writing and sharing a “tell-all memoir” documenting my process after committing to 50 First Dates. I’m sure it sounds odd to hear that I am on a journey of self-discovery through the most unlikely source—online dating—but I really truly am committed to finding myself during this adventure!
You can read about how my adventure started with two lists (the Fuck-It list and the Get Un-Fucked list), here where you’ll also learn how I came to the decision to write a character synopsis, a yelp review, and what I learned about myself after each of my 50 First Dates.
50 First Dates Uncensored: Letting Go & Opening Up
I recently had a “holy shit” moment where I realized that I have some more room for growth surrounding my journey of exploring my sexuality. In my journey, my first step was identifying and clarifying what I did and didn’t want, followed by a period of exploration and experimenting. Although I feel like I am doing a decent job of navigating this process, I am also aware that I’m really struggling with some deeply engrained bullshit belief systems.
I think it’s perfectly healthy to frequently look at our belief and value systems to check in with whether or not they still fit us, and are in our very highest and best interest. For example, when we start a new job we may require really strict guidelines to successfully navigate a new place of employment, new processes, and procedures, new people, goals, etc. But, as we get more comfortable with understanding the infrastructure of the company and our specific role, we no longer need to follow the same rigid structure we started with.
I think that’s how life works too.
When we lack experience in an area of life, having rules can benefit us greatly by keeping us safe while allowing movement. However, once we have some experience to draw from, we can oftentimes drop the rigidity and allow things to progress as they feel natural.
The Truth About Self-Censorship
This is where I am transitioning within my sexuality. I no longer need to follow the same rules that once applied, because I am now a little wiser and a little more secure. However, I still feel moments of resistance and self-doubt.
Can I really share my full experiences with others? Will I be harshly judged for the things I am doing? How can I be a good mother, friend, educator, daughter, sister, and lover —AND be a sexually liberated woman too?
Am I a less virtuous woman for deciding to explore in such an unabashed way, and where in the hell is all of my missing propriety? Am I holding back too much? Do the people who read these articles want to hear more about what is really happening when I go home with a date?
Is it acceptable to share our sexual experiences publicly?
I mean would the world still keep spinning if someone I know and love found out that I had a threesome? Or is there power in openly sharing what I’m doing, and embracing my journey without censorship?
Censorship denotes that what I’m doing is wrong, bad, or negative. And even worse it perpetuates old values that don’t fall in alignment with holding space for who I am growing into. If I don’t create space for this new woman, how will I ever become her?
E Words & Living Authentically
I strongly endorse life practices that foster any of my favorite E words: educate, empower, enlighten, enrich, and exonerate!
I can’t help but wonder if perhaps sharing my story with less censorship could be a way to empower other women. Can we empower one another by living authentically and contributing to an invisible vibration that grants permission for others to go against the grain of what society says, and instead follow what feels right?
During an especially tumultuous time of open dialogues surrounding sexual assault, rape culture, slut-shaming, sexuality, body acceptance, gender roles, and overall sexual health and responsibility, I feel I would be remiss to miss out on an opportunity to add one more voice into the mix.
I have decided that sharing more fully and openly is my way of accepting, celebrating, and sharing my journey! Consider yourself warned…
50 First Dates: Dates 26-30
Date 26. The Wide World of Wayne
Classically handsome and suave, Wayne is an absolute delight. He is extremely smart, well-spoken, socially progressive, the holder of enlightened opinions, and yet completely down to earth. The owner of a secret smile that leaves women to wonder just what exactly he may be thinking about, Wayne is currently traveling all over the world on his own journey of self-discovery, spending roughly 6 weeks at each destination. He is the kind of guy that I would never approach when I am out because he would never be without female attention.
We met at a super cool bar downtown that I immediately fell in love with. Being new to drinking, I have had a hard time finding what I like to drink and really appreciated Wayne’s interest in discovering the perfect drink for me. He was so in tune and singularly focused, that I couldn’t help but be flattered. Our conversation flowed effortlessly with lots of laughs and lingering looks. Because his house was close to downtown, he had walked to our date. It was a very cold night, so I offered him a ride home, to which he reciprocated by offering me an invitation upstairs. Overall I would give Wayne:
4 stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
What I learned about myself:
So normally I only discuss the details of my first dates, however, in an attempt to share more, I’ve decided to try something different. Wayne and I spent 4 nights together before he flew away for his next destination. The old me would have been leery about starting something with someone that I may never see again, however, the new me is practicing connection without attachment.
I honestly believe I can have one without the other. Attachment has the power to completely take me away from the present. It keeps me either in the past or the future, longing for things to be final or permanent. Connection, on the other hand, makes room for the unexpected. Connection is intimate, synced, vulnerable, and present. Practicing connection without attachment allows me to have authentic dating experiences without judgment, expectation, disappointment, rejection, or pain.
I would have been completely remiss to miss out on an opportunity to explore the sexual attraction between us simply because he might not be permanent. The sex was sadly not life-changing, however, it was yet another opportunity to experiment with open communication during sex, and I discovered that he was very much turned on by me telling him what I wanted him to do to me. I filed that little trick away to be used for later!
Date 27. The Night I Tried Being a Unicorn
Before I can give a synopsis for this date, I feel like I need to define a few terms in case there are others out there (like old me) Who are unaware.
Polyamory~ Is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved. It has been described as consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy.
Polyamory Unicorn~ A woman who is willing to join an existing couple, often with the presumption that this person will date and become sexually involved with both members of that couple, and not demand anything or do anything which might cause problems or inconvenience to that couple.
This date consisted of a beautiful husband and wife —very much in love with one another,—who don’t believe in monogamy. He is an artist and she a teacher. They met at Burning Man and have a phenomenal love story that includes overcoming many personal struggles. He is of average height, with an athletic body type, dark brown hair, and kind eyes. She is a stunningly beautiful blonde of Scandinavian descent.
This may be by far the scariest thing I have done to date. The husband and I met for coffee and a very long walk/talk session first. I had a million questions, as this type of situation was incredibly foreign to me. It felt like something I needed to explore as I am ever seeking a thoroughly well-balanced journey of sexual self-discovery.
We discussed all of the ins and outs of how this specific couple lived an ethical, and responsible non-monogamous marriage, and what they were looking for in a potential partner. They were seeking the ever elusive Unicorn to explore sexually with. The wife had a fantasy of having sex with a complete stranger. The husband sent a very detailed outline of what the scene would look like for all three of us. I was to show up at their home, wearing a summer dress. Upon my arrival, he would blindfold me and lead me into the house. I was instructed not to speak at any point until the blindfold was removed. He would lead me into their bedroom where his wife was also dressed in a dress, blindfolded, waiting on the bed for us. I was to lie down next to her and wait for instructions.
Overall I would give the Poly couple:
3 stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️
What I learned about myself:
Where do I even start with this one? Perhaps I should start with a confession… I am a recovering Mormon. As in up until a few months ago, I had been intimate with only my spouse, didn’t drink alcohol or coffee, hadn’t tried drugs, spent most Sundays at church, regularly volunteered for everything, could out bake almost anyone, and was pretty damn bound by very conservative ideologies.
So taking the leap from teaching Sunday school dressed extremely modestly, to having a threesome with a married couple, is sometimes hard to wrap my head around. I have made it my mission to crack wide open every boundary that I have, to explore and get messy, hopefully coming out of it intact with a firm knowledge of who I am, who I am not, and what I do and don’t want. When I talk about overcoming old beliefs and value systems to get to the root of what mine truly are, often I am referring to the internal battle of who I was and who I am becoming.
I’m not sure how much of the old me will be left when this is all said and done, but I am willing to experience discomfort if the end result is expansion and growth that will enable me to live authentically as a self-aware, conscious being.
Date 28. The Hot Mess Micha
Have you ever looked at someone and thought something just isn’t quite right here? His head was just a little too large, his ears not symmetrical, his nose tilted, his eyes shifty. His photography skills were stellar, as he presented well online. Unfortunately, when he opened his mouth, the night got much worse. He not only had very little that was intelligent to discuss, and what he did talk about was uninteresting. He was an extremely negative person, who was lacking social graces of any kind.
When I say I had several WTF moments, I‘m not being dramatic. I politely listened to this man drone on and on for 30 minutes about his “whore Ex” who had an affair with his heroin-addicted sister’s pimp. Never before had I been so grateful to have scheduled a drink date. The thing about a meal date is that it can linger, I have proudly mastered the art of a quick drink date, including a list of socially acceptable ways to cut out when necessary. It was very necessary to cut out from the shit show that was my date with Micha. Overall I would give Micha:
What I learned about myself:
I learned that even though some days my relationship with my Ex seems dysfunctional, it could always be worse. I also had another opportunity to be clear, direct, and honest in communicating my disinterest in future dates. I know that sounds like a silly thing that I should have mastered by now, but I still have to fight my natural tendency to be nice. I have to remind myself that polite and nice aren’t the same thing and that it is most polite to be clear and direct.
Date 29. Peter Pan
Absolutely adorable and pure fun! Peter is a man-child in all of the ways that make him fun to hang out with but never want to attempt to house train. He is six-feet-tall, has an athlete’s physique with yummy broad muscular shoulders and an urban style. Adding to his boyish charm is the fact that this hot guy not only owns two cats but also has several photos of them on his cell phone. A constant jokester, there is rarely a lag in conversation or laughs with Peter.
We met for lunch at my regular restaurant and sat in my regular spot because the staff is so freaking funny. I was charmed with the easy banter and comfortable teasing that happened straight out of the gate. I am a total sucker for light-hearted fun and am especially impressed when a guy can make that happen on a first date. Although Peter is attractive, and we had a great time, I didn’t feel any kind of chemistry. Our exchange felt like that of a sibling or close friendship. Overall I would give Peter Pan:
3 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️
What I learned about myself:
It’s interesting, at the beginning of this process I got very clear on what this was and wasn’t going to be for me. I was not looking for true love or a potential spouse, and therefore, was not going to take certain things into consideration. For example, why should I not explore a possible connection, attraction, or chemistry with someone who is a ski bum without any goals, so long as he was hot and fun? What has surprised me, is that most of the people that I have had a strong attraction to, also seem to be relatively put together and someone I could see myself potentially dating long term. I can’t help but wonder if this would have been different if I was sexually exploring in a younger, never been married, never had children stage of my life.
Date 30. Shunned Sean
Curly blond hair, hipster glasses, and bright blue eyes, Sean is an interesting character and free-spirited man to say the very least. Poor Sean had been excommunicated from his church and family following his unsanctioned divorce. Having grown up as a Jehovah’s witness, he had led a very sheltered life with minimal social experiences outside of his religion. Although extremely tall, his gentle demeanor makes him very approachable. Sean has a natural, almost childlike curiosity about life.
After weeks of chatting online, Sean finally worked up the nerve to ask me out on a date. We met for dinner and spent hours chatting away about all of the things he had experienced in his life. I was enthralled with how unusual and interesting his life had been. I actually really enjoyed that instead of asking me a million questions about my story, that he was an open book. It was refreshing and different. I could see Sean and I being long-term friends. Overall I would give Sean:
3 stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️
What I learned about myself:
It’s funny when this all started I really had no idea what to expect. Making real friends was the last thing that I had considered as an outcome. I felt like I had plenty of friends, and that was not my intent with dating, however, I quickly realized how much I have missed having guy friends. I always had lots of guy friends. But, when I got married, that no longer was deemed appropriate, and I didn’t even realize how much was missing because of it.
I really enjoy how different it is to hang out with guys, and how differently I am able to engage with them. I hate the fact that so many people think that men and women can’t just be friends and I will adamantly defend my position that they absolutely can and should be! Variety is the spice of life, and having a well-balanced, diversified tribe is rad!