Girls Guide to Experimenting with Drugs
January 23, 2020
2o things that Drug Dealers HATE
I was raised in a home where drug and alcohol addictions ran rampant. My story isn’t particularly special or even all that uncommon. Being a child with very limited options, I foresaw only two choices moving forward; I could either become the exact same as my surroundings, or I could do the opposite. So naturally I did what any rebellious teen would do and joined the Mormon church. Trust me when I say that drug addicts hate it when their kids join up with the Mormons.
One day, well in to my 30’s I woke up and decided that I no longer needed to rebel against my parents, who eventually cleaned their own lives up. I was ready to reevaluate what was and wasn’t working in my life. I was also done being a Mormon. Don’t get me wrong, I actually love and adore Mormons and my departure was met with love and acceptance. I just knew that it was time for me to break out of the predictable, micro world of safety that I had created for myself, and dive head first into the “real world”. My first step… DRUGS.
Let me preface this admission with some criteria that I developed for myself. I was interested in trying a very limited, and specific list of drugs that all promised large returns in areas of expanding consciousness. I wasn’t interested in trying black tar heroine or meth, but I was fascinated with the natural drugs like ayahuasca, marijuana and mushrooms. It was always hard for me to reconcile how some of the very most enlightened, happy, and zen individuals that I knew all used drugs. Could these drugs really be so bad if these amazing people, whom I other wise respected so much, used them as part of their expanding process? I was certain that I needed to find out for myself. So naturally my next step was to procure a trusted drug dealer.
Trying something new as an adult can feel overwhelming and even scary, especially when that something is illegal and potentially dangerous. I had wished that there was someone who could explain all the dos and don’ts of how this all works. This is how I discovered 20 unspoken rules surrounding how to conduct myself during drug deals. I decided that just in case there are other women out there that are interested in exploring illegal/recreational drugs, that I could share my hard earned lessons. So without further ado, I give you, 20 things that drug dealers absolutely hate.
- Showing up at their house unannounced: It turns out that drug dealers also have real lives as well and appreciate the respect of a phone call first.
- Asking about drugs in front of other people: Drug dealers rely on anonymity, and if you mess with that, you will find yourself unable to procure the things you want in the future.
- Leading with, “I promise I’m not a snitch: This is not a well received joke. Ever.
- Drug dealers don’t make change: They are really great about communicating prices and letting you know up front, so just bring the correct amount with you.
- Late night calls: Banking hours are almost always a safe bet.
- Asking for a receipt: I mean, this one is self explanatory. Right?
- Asking for samples: Do you offer to work for free? Neither do they.
- Leaving long detailed texts: Anything that can create a paper or digital trail is out, for the obvious reasons.
- Pretending you are friends: Being friendly is cool but what is even cooler with your local drug dealer is keeping it professional.
- Asking for a friends and family discount: They are in a career field that is highly illegal and dangerous, they are willing to deal with people you don’t want to, just pay for your damn drugs.
- Bringing a friend with you: Discretion is key and the more people involved, the messier things get so leave your bestie behind for this one.
- Giving out your drug dealers info with out permission: This is a quick way to have your drug dealer block you and never sell to you again.
- Hugs: Just don’t touch them and you’ll be fine.
- Asking a ton of questions: It makes the drug dealer feel like you’re either far too interested and are perhaps an informant, or are an idiot, either way it doesn’t make them excited to work with you.
- Asking for a refund if you don’t get high: I mean can they really count on someone who uses drugs to be trustworthy with this one?
- The police: I’m not really sure why we can’t all just be friends, but whatevs.
- Asking them to mail drugs for you: This just simply isn’t done. Don’t ask.
- Haggling: If you came in to my office and attempted to pay me less than my time is worth, it would be abrasive, rude and off putting, when you haggle a drug dealer, it is the same thing.
- Asking to use the bathroom at their house: Most drug dealers just want you to come in and then get out with your shit, it’s not personal.
- I OWE YOU’s: This is a slippery slope and most reputable drug dealers will not work with anybody without cash, plus trust me when I say that owing a criminal money is never a good thing.
I was honestly surprised at how cool and normal the individual who sold me drugs was. I was expecting some shady, back alley transaction and instead met the individual who turned out to be a very average looking person at a brewery. I showed up at the agreed upon place and time, paid with the correct amount of cash, they delivered, no hassle, no fuss. Shockingly, it is super hard to find a reliable drug dealer, they tend to be a bit on the flaky side, so if you do manage to find one, follow the 20 rules above, be respectful and adventure away.
Alexis Lewis is a lovely soul who writes by night and spends the day crunching numbers. She loves rap music, artisan paper products, poke and mountain biking.