Fighting the Patriarchy One Fart at a Time
Dear Ruby,
I have been seeing Terri for a few months now and am really into them. They are beautiful, smart, have a great job, and seem to be mentally stable. Things have been going very well and we seem to be getting quite close. I am now to the point where I have some fears, that I am afraid others will mock me for, so I am bringing it to you.
I have been lucky enough to avoid passing gas around Terri but now that we are spending more time together it is getting more difficult to keep it in. I usually try to take Beano if we are going to dinner and I know it is food that will make me gassy but sometimes that does not work and I am worried Terri might grow suspicious at my constant bathroom breaks those times when my stomach is in nots and my nerves are getting the best of me. What should I do?
Seeking help,
Gassy Gal
Get Real Gassy Gal!
Thank you for writing in Gassy Gal,
This is a stinker of a situation, but I would be happy to offer some advice. Terri seems like a pretty great person who has their shit together, so I can understand why you are anxious, although you are making an atom bomb out of a jumping jack if you ask me (and, well, you kind of did―so there you go).
Throughout life, one thing I have learned is that when you try to restrict yourself out of fear of what others may think you get a constipation of self-loathing that sits in your gut like cement. This feeling turns into self-doubt puts you at risk of losing who you truly are.
You should always be 100% true to you and never stifle your true being.
I say go to that Mexican restaurant and order the enchilada with extra beans. In fact, get pinto and black beans! When that tummy of yours gets gassy and starts rumbling like Old Faithful, don’t slip off to the bathroom. Just let that air flow.
I have found when attempting to be discreet about releasing pressure from the gut, having precise control over your sphincter muscle is helpful. With learned control, you can slowly release the build-up of air, kind of like twisting the cap on a shaken soda. Twist the cap too quickly and it is all over. If a squeak comes out, don’t try and blame it on a mouse―own the moment and tell Terri, “Those were some great beans!”
If they have a look of disgust, then see it as your gas saving your ass from a relationship with someone who would never be able to accept all of you: the good, the bad and the smelly.
If Terri happens to get a good chuckle and respond with a witty comeback, well this is a story to tell the grandkids, isn’t it?
What it really comes down to, is the fact that you are too prescious to be with someone who is going to mock or judge you for something that is natural. Didn’t your mom ever tell you if your held your farts in you would explode? I mean, let’s get real, she was full of shit but it came from the heart.
Just like everybody poops―everybody farts. It angers me that society pressures females to be prim and proper, which means no talk of the bowels, and definitely no sound of them either! Now, if you are born with a penis it is a whole different story. Let’s hear about that enormous crap you took, and by golly, there is nothing funnier than you crop dusting the store.
I say screw the patriarchy ladies and let it rip!!
Gassy Gal, I really hope that you take my advice and don’t feel you need to fall into the cookie-cutter cutout that society has tried to keep us in. Eat those beans and you may just find out that Terri has been experiencing the same stress.
A couple that farts together laughs together.
Ruby
If you are looking for some direction or advice from a friend who will not keep anything in the shade, send and email to Ruby at [email protected]
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