Locker Room Talk: What Women Are Saying About Threesomes

Locker Room Talk, Threesomes


Everything You’ve Wanted to Know About Threesomes

But Were Too Afraid to Ask

When I asked Kelli to help me with this column, I knew the topics would get super taboo, super fast. You see, she is my no B.S., truth-telling partner. This means when we ask one another questions or for advice, what we get in return is a real answer. We don’t tiptoe around the truth with one another or say what’s easy instead of what’s best. And I find it refreshing. Well, I did until after we made our list of topics for upcoming Locker Room Talk pieces and then asked which one we should do next. Kelli didn’t skip a beat with her response: Threesomes.

There is no question about it, when it comes to locker room talk with the girls, the topic of threesomes, threeways, and group sex always comes up. And it’s fun to talk about! But for me, writing about it is a whole lot harder. Believe it or not, I’m pretty reserved when it comes to what I’ll write, and how I write it. But I believe that when it comes to women’s sexuality—including sexual curiosities—taboos need to be busted! And women are curious about threesomes!

All kinds of women.

So Kelli and I reached out to multiple groups and forums of women in search of those who had knowledge and advice about threesomes to share. Once we found our sexual sages, we enjoyed a little locker room talk…and we learned a lot.

Hold on to your pearls, because we aren’t holding back. We’ve put together everything you’ve always wanted to know about threesomes, but were afraid to ask. -Annette



Locker Room Talk, Threesomes
photo: Jackie via flickr

Myth Busting the Threesome

(it’s like ball-busting, but for out-dated beliefs)

The following are some common misconceptions about threesomes.

  • Threesomes are extreme and only really sexually liberal people are having them.
  • Only liberal or sexually promiscuous people want to have a threesome.
  • They are just like what is portrayed in porn.
  • Women only have threesomes to satisfy a man’s needs.
  • All bisexual women want to have one.
  • They all consist of F/F/M dynamic.
  • Threesomes lack emotional intimacy.
  • You can have a successful threesome without boundaries or conversations.
  • Only men initiate and drive threesomes. Or, men want threesomes more than women.
  • Only bored married couples want threesomes.
  • Everyone who is sexually adventurous wants to have a threesome.
  • A threesome is a form of polyamory.
  • Everyone would enjoy a threesome.
  • Threesomes are only about satisfying a man.
  • Threesomes are easy to arrange and just happen.


Locker Room Talk: What She Said


We asked women with experience, and here’s what they think you should know.

Anonymous: They are fun and more common than you think!

Karin: Make sure you carefully select the people you have your first experience with. Plan it out and don’t just jump in.

Allison: Only do it if you want to, not because your partner has pushed for it. Also, don’t pressure a partner into doing it. If it isn’t a hell yes, it’s a hell no.

Lisa: Know what your boundaries are, and make them clear up front.

Robyne: Don’t overthink it. It’s sexy and fun, get out of your head and enjoy the experience.

Anonymous: However important it is to talk beforehand about sex between two people, it is twice as important to discuss sex when there are three. Hollywood gives us the idea that group sex just unfolds organically, and it certainly can, but then you risk the discussions of hurt feelings and worse.

Ann: Cis female here, and I love having threesomes! I’ve only ever been the “third”, except in a few cases where it has been three friends with no romantic relationships between anyone. Sadly, I’ve not had a partner who was interested until recently. I find threesomes to be extremely satisfying, and i think a big part of that for me is that I enjoy watching the other participants. Seeing others turned on is a big turn on for me.

The threesomes that I have had, have been some of the most satisfying sexual encounters I’ve ever had. It’s a shame it’s taboo, and it’s a shame it’s still considered “shocking”.

It’s not as if the sex itself [during a threesome], is especially kinky or different. I just find the dynamic to be more fun. Perhaps I’ve been lucky, but I’ve become and stayed friends with most of the couples that I have done this with, and we genuinely like being around each other. We can go from being cuddly and intimate to having a conversation about our kids or dogs or whatever, and there is not any weirdness.


Locker Room Talk, Threesomes


Ann: I have met most of the couples I’ve been with recently through tinder. I just put that I’m Bi, and interested in men, women, and couples. We always meet in a public place first. I always ask to speak or text with the other partner (if I’ve only been speaking with one person) before meeting as well. Just to make sure they really are on board. Also, I suggest you ask if it’s their first rodeo. Personally, I find that couples who have done it before are much more comfortable and fun to be around. But, I’m never opposed to meeting anyone. Just be smart and follow the vibes!

Anon: Myth busting for a cis male/cis female romantic couple having a threesome with a cis woman (full disclaimer: I’ve identified as polyamorous for seven years): No, your hetero, cis male romantic partner prob won’t leave you if you have a threesome with another cis woman. And no, it’s not an “excuse” for your supposedly “uncontrollably,” randy cis male partner to cheat. I really hate that myth.

Femmes have potent sexual desires too. And like all humans, horniness varies but, come on, everyone is there for pleasure… and to claim cis women get coerced into it is B.S. Sex between three people is not the same thing as two people having sex+1 extra. It’s its own separate dynamic/act!  

Jess: For the woman invited into a first time threesome with an existing twosome: if it’s not a spur of the moment situation, communication in advance is really important. Be clear about what’s ok and what’s not between the individuals and when [you are] all together. Maybe he’s allowed to perform oral on you, but no penetration. Maybe you only want to kiss her but not him, and so on. Knowing where the boundaries are up front helps reduce the chance of a mid-sex freak out. But still, be prepared for it and be willing to stop what’s happening and talk it through. No matter how ok everyone is with the idea of a threesome, the reality might trigger unexpected emotions..

Sydney: I would recommend that all parties be at an appropriate level of sober-ish. I’m not saying you can’t have a few drinks, but being drunk or super high does not foster clear communication and open dialogue.

Jess: I think it’s really important to know yourself well enough to know whether or not you will be triggered by feelings of jealousy. A threesome is not for everyone, and that’s ok.

Tara: Ask about STI’s and request that all parties have current testing results to exchange. Have plenty of condoms, and make sure everyone knows that they will be used. When involved with one man and two women, I let my partner know I expect him to change condoms between partners.

Stefanie: Go for it! but only if certain dynamics apply. Only go for the [threesome] under these parameters:

1. You and your partner are solid.

2. The other couple is solid.

3. All of you are singles.

[Threesomes] can really damage a relationship if it isn’t on solid footing. Definitely, don’t do it in an attempt to repair a problem. We mostly hear about the failures of [Threesomes] because society frowns upon being sexually active. There are amazing   [threesome] sex stories, but we keep them under wraps because of society’s judgments. My rules for relationships/sex in general, are to be safe, kind and responsible…

Locker Room Talk, Threesomes

Threesomes in the Queer Community


Anon: In general, I feel that there’s more openness to what I affectionately refer to as “unconventionally intimate ways of relating” in queer communities, whether it be sensual, sexual, platonic, etc. There’s no template or default script to fall back on in my queer, polyamorous relationships, so I find that we’re more intentional and less inhibited by repressive cultural norms.

A lot of the queer femmes I’ve been in threesomes with, also don’t center romantic love in their lives, so sexuality and sensuality are liberatory and not bogged down in worries about what it all means for our relationship. Our relationship feels fluid and secure enough for us to seek pleasure with one another, share sensual and/or emotional intimacy with each other (if we’re looking for that), and be embodied.

Anecdotally, I find that queer femmes I know carry less shame about their sexuality; I’ve never been hit on so boldly or been appreciated for my body by a stranger as much as with queer femmes. This def translates into them being initiated more often.

I also just feel safer with femmes. I don’t feel weighed down by expectations around my body or performance. I don’t feel the heaviness of worrying about a cis male romantic partner/friend/fuck buddy bringing unexamined shit into the threesome or making it mean we’re now ‘romantic,’ if we weren’t.

And because of the lack of all that cultural baggage, I find that I’m def more embodied with queers, and I wonder if they are too. We’re asking each other what we like, and also reading bodily cues, tapping into the energy. Too many cis men I know, even the feminist and BDSM ones, still act like sex is this one-dimensional pornographic act. Boring!


Kelli’s Final Say: Women’s Sexuality & Threesomes


If I could impart words of wisdom, to sum up anything I feel has been left out, It would be the following:

Overcome awkwardness by dedicating yourself to a process of breaking boundaries! If you’ve always wanted to kiss a woman, DO IT! Curious what it would be like to exchange female and masculine energy at the same time, DO IT! Always wondered what it would be like to share yourself with two men, DO IT!

Ok, you get the point. But honestly, who is keeping you from safely and ethically having experiences that you’ve always been curious about? I challenge you to get in touch with what you yearn for and what turns you on sexually and then go for it. Commit yourself to a process of being sexually fulfilled on your own terms.

Keep attraction in mind when engaging in multi-partner sex. Put in the effort to really create a fluid, cohesive dynamic with three individuals who are all sexually attracted to one another. Whether you’re exploring M/M/F, F/F/M, or a F/F/F dynamic, making sure that everyone is feeling desired and desiring all parties is crucial and makes all the difference in how the chemistry plays out in group sex. Finding this dynamic is absolutely worth the effort when bringing three people into the bedroom.

Don’t be afraid to ask hard questions, and be completely transparent about things as they come up. Not only will it allow more vulnerable and authentic connections, but it will also encourage the same with your other partners. Don’t be afraid to laugh, because after all, if you’re doing it right it’s not only sexy as all get out, it’s fucking fun! Laughter can defuse any discomfort and make things lighter and more enjoyable.

No matter how much you may prefer or have a stronger connection with one of your two partners, I would strongly suggest avoiding pairing off during a threesome. The goal is to engage in multiple partner sex, not create a voyeur. Nobody wants to feel like a third wheel and especially not in such an intimate setting.

Find ways to keep all parties engaged and connected. Mouths will almost always be open (whether moaning or occupied), hands will be everywhere, and there is always something for everyone to do if you set the expectation that everyone will be kept engaged in the process.


In Conclusion


Anytime you embark on a new journey of sexual exploration,  it’s important to go into it with an open mind. We live in a society where sex and many of its topics are taboo—especially when it comes to women’s sexuality. We don’t always know how to go about navigating something we are curious about, and therefore end up seeking advice from some of the worst places: cue the cheesy porn bullshit feed.

We hope that by having honest and open dialogues in forums (like this kick-ass one you’ve found yourself on) where real women can share real advice derived from personal experiences, more women will be empowered to step out of their comfort zone and have the best sex of their lives! What are you waiting for a girlfriend? The whole fucking world is your playground, and life is nothing more than one big choose your own adventure!

~Until next time, stay sexy you beautiful, adventurous bad-ass bitches!


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