Ask the Goddess: Sex & Relationship Questions Answered (Kinda)
January 14, 2019
A Modern Day Sex & Relationship Advice Column
Are you facing a dilemma in your relationship, with yourself or others, that you need help with? Does your sex life suck? Or, perhaps it doesn’t suck, and that’s the problem. The Goddess will help you ask the right questions and supply supporting facts so that you can make the best choices and decisions on how to solve your own problems.
All the answers are within you, but sometimes you don’t know which questions to ask. This is a progressive sex and relationship advice column—one that trusts your own innate wisdom to know what’s best for you. The Goddess believes that encouraging your truth to come out is the best relationship advice of all.
So, go ahead – Ask the Goddess. She’s here to guide you. Rarely, if ever, will she give you flat-out relationship advice. Unless of course, you are a dipshit and need to have the “
A Question of Honesty
How open and honest should one be when discussing with a new relationship stuff about past relationships and experience? I tend to not reveal much or ask much… Is that odd?
Stephenie in CA
Ask, Don’t Tell
First of all, I don’t really believe in “odd”, as different tactics work for different people. As you ponder why this has been your pattern and if you want the pattern to continue, I would encourage you to use these questions to check in with yourself. The objective is that you are taking the best care of yourself and your partners, and not just operating from a “should” that you learned from someone a long time ago, or a fear of what you may hear or reveal.
- Are you able to learn enough about your partners’ sexual history in order to be safe? (Knowing that condom use is not foolproof…)
- When you check deeply inside, would you feel betrayed or resentful if you found out something extreme about your partner’s history? Would it be easier for you to deal with it up front, or down the line when things are more serious?
- Are you ashamed of your past behavior(s) and how they may be perceived by the new partner?
- Have you been rejected in the past? Are you using a self-preservation strategy of not disclosing anything that could be negatively perceived? Could it be an honor thing, where you don’t ask your partner because you don’t want to disclose, and it’s only fair?
I think it’s really important for you to explore your internal motivations for your actions (or inactions?). Decide for YOU what is best, and in alignment with your integrity and consciousness. When you feel safe, heard, loved, and respected with your personal choices, you will no longer question if you are “odd”, because it won’t matter what anyone else thinks.
I live an unconventional life, “for a woman”. I travel at least half of the month for my job. I am single and my son is fully grown. It was always my lifelong dream to explore the world and make a living doing it.
All of this is great, right?! So why is it that I get all sorts of comments from well-meaning friends and strangers about how “hard it must be to maintain friendships”, or “my family just couldn’t survive a day without me…” (condescending much?), or “will you return to your old job if you find a boyfriend?”
Seriously!! How do I deal with this nonsense in a polite way? My male counterparts are NEVER asked these types of questions, by the way.
Please help before I smack someone upside the head!
S.H. in CA
My, My, Isn’t That Nice?
Wow, people just don’t know how their questions/statements come across, do they? These well-meaning people very likely just don’t even recognize how badly they are putting their foot in their mouth. I love the idea of educating these people about how their comments are inappropriate. But, honestly, it doesn’t do a lot of good unless they have a growth mindset and would take in the feedback and learn from it, rather then getting defensive about it. Sadly, most people would just get defensive and it would create more tension for both of you. So, you can decide if your relationship with the offender can withstand some educating!
I heard a joke years ago about a southern gal that was being talked down to by some snobs, and she would reply sweetly, “My, my, isn’t that nice?” to just about everything. Later, when asked about what she meant by that, it came out (as the punchline, of course), that it meant “Fuck You”. The other classic catchphrase is “Bless your heart”.
Now, you may not want to come across that harshly to people who are not being intentionally malicious. But, coming up with a clever statement that you can make in these times may be a good solution to your problem. Is there a way that you can turn it into a joke that will let them know it wasn’t an appropriate question or statement, without being too bitchy?
When you ask yourself how you would like to be corrected if you were to misspeak, what would that look like? Should it be different for different people in your life? For example, it may be really easy to be a smartass about it with a good friend, but not so much with a casual acquaintance.
If it were a child making the same comment, how would you respond? Is it possible that some adults may benefit from a similar response? Or, would it make sense for you to model what would be effective and kind for you, and respond that way to the offenders?
Ultimately, you will need to decide on the best approach, for both your personality and those that make the comments. It may need to be different for everyone. Or, you can think of a quirky catchphrase and run with it! Maybe something like, “Well, you know I’m from the future, don’t you? Things are different there. More gender equality and all.”
Good luck to you!
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